What does it mean? Nothing!

Poking the Bear

2011-12-31T21:12:00.002-05:00

It's New Years Eve and instead of at a party with friend or a party with famous people, I'm in my in-laws guest house helping Ashley nurse some mean pregnancy sickness. I will thus take this time to tell you a wonderful story of me being dumb. This will require some back story, so let's get started.

Now I flew back just in time for Christmas, there was much rejoicing. *Cue Monty Python clip* Ashley was so happy to see me and the twins were happy to see presents and I guess me. I had built up a lot of good favor by coming home earlier than expected. So what do I do with this good will? Exploit it for personal gain.

Now to go back even further, I had discovered a metal band named Sabaton. Sabaton is known because almost all their songs are based on famous and not so famous battles in war. Now being a big history fan, I fell in love with them.

Now going back even further than before, Ashley is pretty lax about the kind of music the twins can listen to. So long as it doesn't contain any swear words, sex, violence or drug us, it's fine by her.

So a few days ago, we were driving to Edina to meet up with a friend for lunch and we brought the twins by, because our friend adores them. So I decided to play some music for the trip and at the same time play a joke on Ashley. A joke on a pregnant, hormonal Ashley.

Me: Wanna listen to some music?
Twins: YEAH!
Ashley: Go ahead.
Me: All of you will like this.

This is a song about the battle of Monte Cassino. A battle fought in Italy during WWII between Germans and Allied soldiers. A battle the United States doesn't like to bring up much, simply because it was such an epic failure on the part of the United States. Oh we won the battle, after 50,000 casualties and the temporary ruination of our international standing during the war. Monte Cassino is one of the oldest abbeys in Europe and the place where the Benedictine monks were created. While the Germans occupied the hills around the abbey, the abbey became a place where the locals and wounded took refuge, cause who in their right mind would bomb a 1500 year old abbey? The United States would and did (watch at 3:00 if you don't believe me). Reducing the abbey to rubble and essentially giving the Germans an upper hand, by giving them ruins to fight in.

Ashley: EXPLAIN!
Me: It's a good song, right girls?
Ami: Yeah!
Me: See.
Ashley: All I heard was something about the Valley of Death.
Me: Well... *Explains above*
Ashley: Brian, for the love of god, choose a better song for the girls.
Me: Okay.

This song is about the Greco-Italian War fought during WWII. Another really forgotten part of the war in Europe, in which Mussolini invaded Greece. The Italian soldiers out numbered the Greeks in soldiers, planes and tanks. The Greek Prime Minister got a telegram from Mussolini telling him that they were to be occupied by Italy, his response: "It's war then." For nearly a year, the Greeks who were constantly bombed, shelled and attacked held on. They were even able to counterattack and drive Italy into the mountains, where both sides suffered heavy casualties due to frostbite. Greece didn't succumb, until Germany invaded. Winston Churchill went so far to even say: "Hence we will not say that Greeks fight like heroes, but that heroes fight like Greeks."

*During the soft calming music*
Ashley: Much better--
*Interrupted by metal music*
Ashley: -- Brian!
Me: What?
Twins: This is good!
Ashley: If you put on another song about war and people dying, I'll kill you.
Me: Fine.

At this point I had already pushed the angry pregnant button, but just to be sure pushed it harder.

About the Wehrmact, the German army during WWII and the crimes against humanity they perpetrated.

*Song Plays*
Ashley: Groan...
*Starts singing about the Wehrmact*
Ashley: Oh you!
*Punches me in the arm with all her strength*
Me: OW! Ow!... Ow.
Twins: HAHAHA!

*5 minutes of angry silence later*
Me: Ow.

I have a big bruise on my arm now. You'd think I would learn not to poke the bear anymore.

Of Heroes, Villains and Man.

2011-09-29T14:43:00.003-04:00

From 1994-2005 my number one passion in life was playing baseball. Almost half my life was dedicated to doing better, getting better and learning the game. For people who never invested so much time and effort into a sport, it's hard to imagine. It's something you need to know and experience to truly understand.

My dad was a former all-state baseball player, but didn't go to college, but went to fight in Vietnam. My brother was considered one of the best shortstops in Minneapolis, before he too went to fight a war in the Middle East. Baseball is a religion in my family, my mom is a huge baseball fan as well.

My dad has been a season ticket holder for the Minnesota Twins since the mid eighties. He watched as the Twins won two world championships, one on the year I was born. What I'm trying to say here, is that I was raised with baseball and even more specifically, the Minnesota Twins organization. Summer became about two things, playing baseball and watching the Twins.

Now you all know I didn't grow up in a real, great household. Physical abuse rarely happened, verbal abuse was common and just plain negligence was rampant. Even so, the one thing my father was adamant about teaching me, was baseball. Become a good player, become a good fan and be smart about the game.

I remember when I was 9 and playing in my first little league game at second base, a position where I would stay till 2005. It was great, one of the few times my dad actually came to a game, but then in the 6th inning, I came up to bat and struck out without swinging the bat. Things that happen when you're a kid and even to the best of all players.

After we lost the game, my dad on the way back to the car made sure we weren't seen by anybody. He grabbed me by the shoulders and squeezed so hard that I had bruises for a few weeks afterwords. He yelled at me, never to strike out without swinging, never to let that happen ever again as long as I played the game. In 9 years, I never struck out without swinging ever again... That is how seriously my family took the game.

But back onto topic.

I went to my first baseball game in 1991, the year that we won our second world championship. That year a small second baseman was having a wonderful season and became rookie of the year.
Chuck Knoblauch was a small guy and as such had to perform better to prove how good he was to everyone. He was exactly the player I always wanted to be, a good hitter with tremendous speed and fielding ability. In the 6 years he played for the Twins, he put up amazing numbers and after Kirby Puckett retired, became the most popular baseball player in the Twin Cities.

He was my hero, an idol for me to look up to as I made my way higher and higher in the sport. He was a sign that things weren't always going to be bad for me, that I could work my way out of my situation. Then suddenly in 1997 everything changed. He demanded a trade and was sent to the New York Yankees, my most despised team in the world. He changed from being my hero, to being the antithesis of what was wrong in the world.

A week after he was traded, I took a metal bucket from the garage and set fire to my Knoblauch jersey and baseball cards. An action that would normally get me yelled at, but was well received by my family.

When he returned to Minnesota as a Yankee, I happened to be at the game. I joined in as thousands of people booed him and some people even through objects at him. He was the most hated man in Minnesota for a few years. I was fine with that,

The years passed and Knoblauch lost the ability to throw the ball accurately and even the ability to hit the ball. As I took joy in his complete and utter failures in New York, at the same time I was getting more and more recognition in baseball circles, for being exactly like him in play style.

Things got so bad for him, he retired years earlier than he would have if he had remained at the same level as before. Then years later he was named in a report for using steroids while playing, when I was told this, all I said was, "Figures."

Now going forward, my dad sends me sports articles in the mail from The Star Tribune. The last one I got was a giant two page article, entitled, "Chuck Knoblauch: Unpacking Memories"

In the article, a reporter visited the retired second baseman at his home in Houston. Where there was no sign that he was ever a baseball player, no pictures, no trophies, nothing at all. He kept all that stuff including his World Series rings packed away in his old home that he never went to. The pictures showed a man, who was almost a shell of his former self. Out of shape and looking nothing like he was ever a premier athlete. He was no longer a hero or a villain, but just a normal human with problems just like the rest of us. He is someone who dedicated himself to his family and his life outside of the sport of baseball. Then it dawned on me...

I had become just that.

I was at the top of the world, I was going to go to a big baseball college, then the minors and maybe the MLB. Then my right shoulder was severely injured and I could no longer hit as well as I used to. All those opportunities dried up and I was left in a very dark place.

Looking back I can now sympathize with him, what he went through and the person he ended up becoming. Why would you want any sign of how good you used to be hanging around the house? How could you look at them everyday? That's when I realized, I didn't have anything up from when I played in my office or anywhere. I found my box of baseball stuff, my old mitt, some trophies and a small metal canister. It contained a small bit of dirt from a baseball field, marked with scotch tape in childlike handwriting.

"From my first stolen base, summer 1997."

I have it sitting on my window ledge at my home office now. It's all I need to remember... It's all I want to remember.

Collections.

2011-08-22T23:14:00.003-04:00

I'm the kind of guy who really enjoys history. Ancient history to be more accurate, that of the Mediterranean, the Middle East and to a lesser extent Northern Europe. Why aren't I so enthusiastic about Asian history? Well, I dunno. I just find myself more attracted to those cultures. I read books, articles and I love learning new things. Then on the advice of a friend with similar interests, I found myself on a few websites about two years ago. Since then I've been slowly collecting antiquities from that era.

Mostly coins from the Roman Empire. I've got bronze coins with various emperors on them and a lot of silver denarii. Now some of you must be thinking, "What an expensive hobby!" You'd be surprised about how inexpensive these coins are compared to some American coinage. For example:
My first Roman coin, circa 317 - 326 A.D is a bronze coin with the likeness of Crispus Caeser on it. Wiki his name, really interesting story there. This was bought for only about 18 dollars and is really worth it. When you consider these coins were printed in the millions for hundreds of years, they aren't that rare, just hard to find. Just wonder about what this coin was used to buy and who handled it. If you're interested, it's about the size of a dime and the picture was provided by the company who sold it.

Anyways, about a year after the collecting begin, with the blessing of Ashley, I begin to invest in something a little more expensive. That being the collecting of artifacts spanning from 5000 BC to 1500 AD. Again, not as expensive as everyone thinks. I have a varied amount of items. Some of my favorites are ancient Roman dice, Egyptian game pieces and a very beautiful Roman glass vial. I have about 10 pieces of antiquities.

Now on the other side, Ashley is a reader and writer. She reads a crap ton of books and she buys a crap ton of books. A lot we've had to sell for space, but she is not a fan of e-books and loves to have a physical book in her hand.

Even before I met her, she has a special collection of first editions, that she has added to over the years we've known each other. *Cough* Rich girl! *Cough* Not her favorite, but my favorite of her collection, is a first edition of "The Giving Tree."

Now, we've come up with a nice little system. All purchases must be approved by our significant other and trust me, prices play a big role. Now once a year, around our birthdays, we give ourselves a little leeway. To buy something fairly expensive, but only once a year. Trust me, 4 years ago if I saw the kind of money I spent on my special thing, I'd kick my ass.

Now Ashley just got done buying and received her special treat.

Ashley: It came! It came! (Giggity.)
Me: Oh.
Ashley: It came in its own wooden box, for preservation of course. Letter of appraisal for insurance purposes and it's going right onto the shelf! (She has a glass and metal shelf for preservation purposes.)
Me: The **** ***** book?
Ashley: Yes and one of my favorites!
Me: How much did you spend again?
*She mumbles*
Me: Ashley you said it fit into the budget!
*Mumbles more*
Me: How much?
Ashley: Something 500...
Me: Something is what in this case?
Ashley: 4...
Me: 4500! WHAT THE F--

I blacked out for a few hours there. In the end I was perfectly fine with it.

She has had a really hard time this month and, her smile right now is really worth it. Plus she promised she'd be more honest from now on. This also counts as her special thing for next year.

Pet Peeves.

2011-05-29T00:40:00.002-04:00

God, it's been over a month since my last update. I should really just stop saying I'll update more, whatever. So whats been new with me?

- Ashley is pregnant again.

So yeah, stuff. But I'm here today to talk about those little things that bother me, and surely one day will lead me to destroying something with a hammer.

- When people ask me for movie recommendations. I'm not going to tell you what you like, cause honestly, what I like could be and most likely is nothing that you would like. So quit bothering me and go watch whatever the hell you want.

- Mispronouncing Japanese words.

- 95% of American female wrestlers. Somewhere around 2000 it became clear that being any good at wrestling was no longer required to be a female wrestler in the major companies. As long as you were pretty, looked good in a two piece and could act bitchy, you had a job.

- Randy Orton being a face.

- Julia Roberts and Gwyneth Paltrow being called good actresses.

- 3-D movies.

- People saying I don't say the words "roof" and "room" correctly. I'm from Minnesota, I have an accent, deal with it people.

- Privacy. I'm a very private person when it comes to my personal life. I separate my professional life from my private life. Recently a student came to my home to ask me a question. I don't give my students my address or personal phone number for a reason. Cause I don't want to be bothered when I'm home with my family. So I got very angry with the student, who honestly didn't know and I apologized to him the next day. While I do share a lot of stuff online through blogging and twitter. I don't post pictures of my family, cause Ashley and I want our privacy to be respected.

- People asking me why Ashley or I don't use Facebook. Read above statement.

- A particular dog digging holes in my garden. >:(

That's all I can think about right now, maybe more will come to me in the future.

13 Years of Dedication and Love Part 1.

2011-04-07T23:26:00.005-04:00

When I was five my dad did something that I probably should thank him for when ever I get around to doing that. You see he signed me up to play local tee ball, the precursor to pitching machine baseball, little league, traveling league and high school baseball.

I already loved baseball, my dad has had season tickets to the Twins and when he didn't take my brother, he took me. It's one of those few nice memories I have of my dad. Him holding my hand and walking us to our two seats on the first base line. Even now when I go to games I can only really sit on the first base line. By the time I was 5 I knew some of the rules and by the time I was 9, I knew all, but the most obscure.

Baseball was my life from age 5 to 18. Every summer I'd play baseball and spent the last half of winter thinking about baseball starting. Unlike a lot of kids in my generation I grew to respect the sport and play it very well.

I could go on about all the nuances of baseball that I love, but that would take to long. Instead I'll just discuss my personal history with the sport in this part.

From Kindergarten to 8th grade I played at all levels of kiddy baseball. The only real good memory I have from those years, was the year my little league team won the city championship. It was really worth it playing for those years, figuring out what I was good at and what position fit my skills the best. I learned 4 things in those years:

1. I was faster than most kids. Despite not seeming like it, in baseball speed is important.

2. I couldn't hit home runs for shit.

3. I could just hit about anything else though.

4. Second base is my home.

By the time I was 12, the year before high school, I played for a traveling baseball team in the summer, playing second base, my favorite position. I ended up going to one of the few baseball schools in the twin cities. Along with a few players I knew from other teams. Including a pitcher who I believe is a relief pitcher in the minors right now and at the time was big stuff. Some may consider us ringers in that we were all good, but we all just happened to live in the same South Minneapolis neighborhood.

As Freshman we were put on the varsity team our first year and were made starters. I played second base, luckily enough cause no one was playing that position. While I was a decent fielder, my true talent was in hitting and base running. While some of the stats I can't remember for the life of me, I can remember my favorite two stats.

Freshman year I hit .294 with 20 stolen bases.

Sophomore year I hit .305 with 22 stolen bases.

Junior year I hit .317 with 17 stolen bases (only played during the fall).

Now I was just playing baseball in the fall and spring during school. In between also during the fall I played safety on the football team and forward on the hockey team.

In the end I always came back to my favorite sport, baseball. During the winter of my Junior year, I had been scouted a little by colleges and had heard from them. They were very interested in giving me a nice scholarship to play baseball for them. My 16 at the time, mind was ecstatic. My life plan was laid out before me. Go to college to play baseball, get a four year degree and maybe make it into the minors for a major league team. Maybe get a shot at the big time, or maybe just hang around.

My life plan at 16 never, didn't include baseball. If that was my plan, then why am I doing what I do now?

Well during that same winter of my Junior year I was playing hockey. I was skating backwards, when I was hit from behind and knocked out for 10 minutes. When I awoke, I found right shoulder was broken and the muscle, partially torn. No more sports till next season.

My Senior year I hit .289 and 29 stolen bases.

I lost a lot of my ability to swing the bat after I healed up and could no longer keep up my overly high average. While .289 still looked good on paper, in reality it should have been much lower. A lot of my hits were just cause I outran the fielder.

While a lot of the schools I had talked with were no longer interested, a few were, just cause I was fast and still could hit the ball a little. The problem was, I didn't want to go to those schools. I didn't want to play baseball if I couldn't play at my old level anymore. When I graduated high school, I effectively quit the game of baseball.

Now what was I going to do with my life? I was more confused and sad than I have ever been. When your life's calling and love is taken away, it's a hard thing to handle.

Obviously things turned out alright, and maybe even better. I don't think I'd have a family if I still played, or be as happy as I am now.

That of course doesn't mean I have abandoned the game, I watch as many games as I can on TV and online. I follow the Minnesota Twins religiously. I also hope when life permits to coach some little league, or something.

Baseball is still important to me, but losing it for a little, made me understand other important things about myself.

Wrestlemania Match Excitement.

2011-04-01T23:10:00.009-04:00

Every year the WWE pulls all the strings for Wrestlemania, that means the conclusion to month long feuds, celebrity appearances and the biggest spectacle in wrestling. That also means some of the biggest matches will go on this Sunday. Ashley and I will be watching from a nice box seat with a few colleagues of mine. I'm excited for some of these matches, some not so much. Here's a ranking of how good I think these matches will be, from possible best, to possible worst.

#1 Sheamus Vs. Daniel Bryan for the United States Championship.
Sheamus (left), the 2011 King of the Ring, two time WWE champion and relative newcomer to the wrestling world. His gimmick is that of a heel (bad guy) bully, with the persona of a Celtic Warrior, being that he's 6 foot 6, 270 pounds, red hair and as pale as milk, he can say that. He fights Daniel Bryan/Bryan Danielson, one of the most famous independent wrestlers in history and recently has found some mid-card success in WWE. He has been voted the best technical wrestler 6 years running and the best wrestler 5 years running.

Being that Bryan has been portraying a wrestling nerd for the past year, it only seemed natural for the big bully Sheamus to beat him down and take his championship. This match will most likely be the best of the night cause Bryan always puts on match of the night material during PPVs and Sheamus despite having a lot of haters is a pretty decent wrestler.

#2 Randy Orton vs. CM Punk.
Or as I like to call it, the battle of two psychopaths. CM Punk the Chicago native, plays the bad guy. Using his pseudo-cult of wrestlers know as The Nexus to terrorize Randy Orton and cost him his championship. Even going so far as to Nancy Kerrigan (smack the knee with a tire iron) Randy Orton in front of his wife. Randy Orton (the good guy) after being screwed by the Nexus, proceeds to hospitalize all the members of Nexus. Wait a minute, HE'S THE GOOD GUY!?

Despite my utter dislike of Randy Orton (I mean seriously, would you cheer for a guy who punts people in the head, including every wrestling fan's favorite Canadian?), he's a good wrestler who can put on a good match. CM Punk is a very good wrestler as well and this could be the match of the night as well.

#3 Triple H vs. The Undertaker
This is the streak match. The Undertaker is 18-0 at Wrestlemania and it's something of acceptance among wrestling fans that the streak may never end. Even with that certainty Undertaker and whoever he faces at Wrestlemania always put on a hell of a match. I'm not sure either of these guys (both just came back from injury), can still perform as well as they could 10 years ago. Let's hope it ends up being like the Shawn Michaels matches.

#4 Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole w/ Special Guest Referee Steve Austin
Michael Cole is the best bad guy in wrestling now. He already had a lot of fan hate for being kind of a crappy announcer. Then he goes and starts fucking around, screwing Lawler out of a championship, insulting him, saying his dead mom (who died a week earlier) was disappointed in him and bringing out his drug addict son to make fun of him.

He's gonna get his ass kicked. Hard. There will be laughter.

Now we're getting to the matches that aren't that interesting:

#5 Alberto del Rio vs. Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship
Alberto del Rio won the Royal Rumble and thus got to fight for a championship of his choosing at Wrestlemania. He of course chose Edge the Rated R Superstar. I haven't been following this feud cause I hate Smackdown. Alberto is one hell of a wrestler and Edge used to be one hell of a wrestler. Hopefully Edge can still perform well at Wrestlemania.

#6 John Cena vs. The Miz for the WWE Championship.
I hate John Cena and only stand him cause Ashley kind of digs him. I used to like The Miz, you know, until he stole my favorite wrestler's gimmick. This match might as well be Chris Jericho (Canada rules) vs. John Cena. The only reason this is even moderately interesting is cause The Rock is involved.

#7 Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes
I hate Smackdown. This whole feud started when Cody Rhodes, who claims he's dashing and beautiful, got hit in the face too hard by Mysterio's finisher. Which I might add, looks like it hurts as much as my twins hitting me in the face. Mysterio hasn't had a good match for over 5 years, why start now? I don't think I've ever seen a good match from Rhodes.

Now the matches that make me want to die:

#8 Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov vs. Ezekiel Jackson, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel and Wade Barrett

I'm not posting a picture cause I don't give a shit. This is a comedy relief match and that's all.

#9 The Women's match.

Don't know don't care. There are good female wrestlers and then there are the three in this match. Oh and Snooki is in this match, fuck that too. The really sad thing is that Dolph Ziggler, the best young wrestler in the company and former world champion is in on this monstrosity.

This is why people dislike wrestling.

and again...

Fuck you Snooki. I was so glad you got booed at the press conference a few days ago. Real wrestling fans hate you so much, as does any decent human being.

Now, back to what I was doing... *Watches Snooki get punched by a drunk guy over and over...*

What Will be Thought When...

2011-03-31T00:21:00.003-04:00

... Either Katie or Ami bring home a boy.

What he most likely will be thinking: OMG, I'm so nervous.

What I'll think, he's thinking:

What I'll be thinking then: Which leg do I break first?

The "Stone Cold" Theory and a Man Rule.

2011-03-21T16:36:00.005-04:00

The "Stone Cold" Theory is something relatively new to the world, but it's very simple to understand and utilize for your own pleasure. I was introduced to this from an online video shared to me by a friend.

Now this assumes that you at least know who Stone Cold Steve Austin is. Back in the 90's arguably the most popular wrestler was Steve Austin, whose whole gimmick was drunk, angry redneck. So Austin would come out to his music which starts with glass shattering, swear a bunch, stun (wrestling move) somebody and proceed to drink beer. This was usually followed by J.R. the announcer proclaiming, "It's Stone Cold! STONE COLD!"

Now the most important part of this theory is Stone Cold's music, which I have kindly provided for your use:

Now that you have the entrance music we can begin.

Now pick any heavily dramatic moment in a movie or TV series. For this demonstration we will be choosing the climax of "The Two Towers."

Certain death awaits the heroes, so they boldly charge out of helms deep to their heroic deaths. Then the morning sun rises above the mountain and at the top of the mountain in the light of the new sun...

*Hit the music*

IT'S STONE COLD! He then proceeds to stun all the Uruk Hai and drink beers on their corpses. Now didn't that make it all the much more awesome?

Thus lies the "Stone Cold" theory. Any moment in film or television can be improved by Stone Cold.

The orgasm scene in "When Harry Met Sally" hit the music and then picture Stone Cold drinking beers and beating people up. Isn't that awesome?

It's amazing, this must be taught to film students.

-----------------

Now for some of the ladies out there, just like you, men have some unwritten rules.

One of them involves public bathrooms. Now see, when men use a public restroom 90% of the time it's going to be for the urinal. The stalls are a last resort for both number one and number 2. There is one urinal etiquette that we all try to follow, unless absolutely necessary to break it.

Do not use a urinal right next to someone if you can help it. Why? cause it's creepy and trust me, there are guys who look at the other guy while doing their business. Even worse, you may strike up a conversation which is even weirder.

Why this unspoken rule can be really annoying. Picture five urinals in a row without privacy walls numbered left to right. Now Man A comes in first and settles on urinal number 1. Man B comes in and seeing Man A on urinal number one, instinctively moves to a urinal at least 2 away from Man A. So Man B chooses urinal number 4. Man C enters and realizes that he's fucked until one finishes or he is forced to use the stall.

The Oscars.

2011-02-27T20:50:00.002-05:00

Fuck the Oscars. Fuck the politics of the film industry. Fuck the "scratch my back and I'll scratch your back when it comes award time." mentality of studios. Fuck the glorification of actors who may be the faces of film, but contribute about as much as the caterer to the making of film. Fuck I am an angry old man. Play by play following of the Oscars follows, what comes next is pent up rage:

-Wait, wait, wait, the hardest working men on a film set get like 5 minutes and golf claps. Cinematographers are the lifeblood of a film set.

- I love senile Kirk Douglas.

- I could watch him mess with these actresses all night.

- Respecting the work? You work for like 2 weeks. Try three years writing the same draft of a script bitch. Obsessing over one line for a sleepless night, now that's fucking work.

- Sylvian Chomet got robbed! AGAIN! Seriously, he's one of three guys making creative, unique and breath taking animation. Too bad he was going up against the biggest of those three.

- Yay my awards!

- Fun fact, 90 percent of all produced screenplays are adapted from another source.

- Not a real bumper crop of original screenplays this year.

- As always, the writers give the best speeches that no one will remember.

- I think the message here is, fuck Australia.

- Do you ever wonder why all the foreign language films look alike? CAUSE THEY ARE ALL THE SAME! Cause you know, the truly ingenious, creative and new foreign directors never make movies (according to the academy). I still love Javier Bardem though.

- Holy crap John Hawks is actually getting props for being a good actor. About fucking time.

- Christian Bale AKA Epic Beard Man.

- You're the Wolver to my rine? Who the fuck is writing this!?

- So, when are they going to change best original score, to the John Williams award?

- I don't think Matthew or Scarlett have any idea how sound mixing or editing works. Or how sound works period.

- Sound mixers and editors are awesome people. They also sit in a dark room for hours and hours watching the same 10 second clip repeating.

- Heheh the Lord of the Rings music is drowning out the speaker.

- I don't know how I can say this anymore than I already have. Fuck. Tim. Burton.

- "I obviously don't have any personality, as I slowly read from a strip of paper in a monotone voice. Thank you *pause to establish eye contact with audience* Tim Burton." :D

- Kevin Spacey! RUN AWAY, SAVE YOURSELF!

- Oh god Randy Newman...

- Is it just me, or do Disney songs just not have that timelessness that they did in the 90's?

- Even if it was insincere, telling people to watch short films is great.

- I fucking love the guy who won best live action short.

- Documentary Feature award AKA LIBERAL AGENDA! LIBERAL AGENDA! I'm a liberal, but geez, these people.

- This is pretty lame now, not any good joke material for me or them.

- Ah penis jokes... Wonderful.

- I can't understand a word these people are saying, this is really, mumbling the song.

- So let me get this straight. The choices for songs are, Randy Newman and the same song that he's been doing for 30 years, generic Disney song, Mumbling song, or the generic country song.

- Newman won and sadly, that was the best... *sigh*

- Senile old man count: 2

- Oh god the orchestra pit is going to eat the crowd! Wait, it's just Celine Dion. Shit...

- Man, I didn't notice it until now, but all the people that made Star Wars great are dying off. Except for one... *shakes fist at old man Lucas*

- By the way, I've been drinking while I write this. So...

- Man, what are with the long frilly dresses this year. Geez...

- Here is something I'll never understand. Why directors take all the fame away from writers, producers and cinematographers? Most directors do one thing, work with the actors. Good directors do two things, help the cinematographer and the actors. The best directors write, help with cinematography and deal with the actors. I'm not saying they aren't talented people, but they do less or just as much work as the people no one seems to care about.

- Coppola, Spielberg, Scorsese, and I suppose the early Lucas made strings of amazing films. It'll be interesting to see what guys like Fincher, the Coens, and the like, can do with what they got in the long run.

- Hey look, it's Jeff Bridges sucking up to actresses. It's like a 500 person circle jerk.

- Yes, cause I'm sure Queen Amidala was an amazing character, oh wait.

- And the circle jerk continues on. We can't leave anyone out right?

- I'll never understand why at any point in history, stuttering british men were considered sexy.

- I guess that's the end.

Ashley's thoughts:

What pretty dresses, oh my god!

What's New With Us.

2011-02-17T19:51:00.002-05:00

Life has been stunning for the Arakaki family. Like:

SHOCKING DISCOVERIES!

Me: Ashley, Is that a bird wing laying by the back door?
Cat: Mroow.
Ashley: That would explain all the screaming and crashing earlier.
(I still have no idea how a bird got in the house.)

STUNNING DIALOGUE!

Katie: Panties...
(They hang around Ashley way too much sometimes.)

AMAZING CONFESSIONS!

Ashley: Brian, promise not to be mad at me after I tell you this.
Me: Kay.
Ashley: I really, really fucking hate your mom.
*I dip a fry into ketchup*
Me: Kay.

IMPRESSIVE GIFT!

Me: So I just totally got tickets to Wrestlemania.
*Ashley hugs and kisses*
Me: In a suite.
*Unmentionable stuff*

What I Learned from Harry Potter.

2011-02-04T00:58:00.003-05:00

Harry Potter over the years, has taught me many valuable lessons. Like:

- Racism is bad.
- People with light blond hair cannot be trusted. (Aw man...)
- Ravenclaw girls are emotional roller coasters and possibly sluts. Source: Cho Chang.
- Ravenclaw girls are hot.
- Pretty orphans should be locked up for reasons of national security.
- Dobby is the worst, most pointless character ever created.
- Harry Potter is Jesus with some obvious behavioral problems.
- When an older man tells you stories that don't seem to make sense at all. THEY WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.
- Why does Hufflepuff even exist? The books clearly states Hufflepuff is the reject house.
- God help you if you're sorted into Hufflepuff.
- I'm pretty sure Ron is bi-curious.
- Moaning Myrtle is kind of a pervert.
- Hero worship is good.
- Many of the books state that Ron has grown x number of inches. That guy has got to be like 7 feet tall by book 7.

Questions about the Harry Potter series:
- Is... is there some kind of magical birth control?
- What the hell do American wizards do?
- Can some wizards talk to cats/dogs/mongooses?
- Are there such things as wizard hipsters?
- WHY OWLS!?

Girls.

2011-01-20T23:18:00.005-05:00

It all starts out so innocently enough.
That new girl. She's cute, smart and maybe sane? Maybe you get set up with her, she's shy, but also awesome you're not sure where this is going and it's two months later. Then you realize you haven't been laid in over a year. Around that time you best friend(?) starts wondering the same thing. Poking and prodding about it every damn day, making it even worse.
So finally you decide to ask about the no sex thing. Her response, in that oh so sexy, coy voice, "I'm waiting till there is a ring on this finger." Being the reasonable person who is honestly head over heels for this girl. You respected her wishes, things go on. You give her that ring and soon enough bowchikawowow.

Years pass, you get a cushy job, you get married, have twins and are as happy as can be. Then one day the topic about your two months of pain comes up. In that same girly, coy way of hers, she says, "Oh I was just teasing, you probably could have worn me down with enough flirting."

... What?...

Internet, I'm going to end this post with a bit of internet math.

Yes, I'm pouting now. I'M ALLOWED TO POUT DAMNIT!

Perseverance.

2011-01-10T22:46:00.002-05:00

Ashley and I's honeymoon was not your typical one. No big grand adventure, no once in a life-time trip to an exotic location and certainly not something a certain girl from Wisconsin really dreamed it would be. In reality we went to visit extended family from both sides of our family. We spent a week in a small town with her mom and her mom's family. Another week in Okinawa with my mom and the extended family on my side. Then finally a week for ourselves in Osaka. Though Ashley barely limped to the third week.

A few days in Osaka after going fishing with my grandfather and a few uncles, I tried to find her, but couldn't. She was sitting in bed crying into her arms. I sat down next to her and she leaned onto my shoulder still crying.

I asked her what was wrong and all she could tell me was, "I can't do it anymore." I kept asking her what she couldn't do anymore. It took awhile for her to calm down enough to talk to me normally.

I had known that the past few days for her had been tough. Ashley is a shy girl, but she is plenty nice to just about everyone no matter how she feels. This was going to be a challenge, my mom and grandma aren't her biggest fans. They critiqued just about everything she did, insulted her and made snide insinuations that are best kept private. Two days was her breaking point, she didn't want to deal with them anymore and I really wasn't helping.

We sat in silence and every now and then she did what she had to. Cry, swear and generally do all the things I rarely ever see her do.

"I want to go home--" She finally uttered after the worst had passed. "--I just don't ever want to come back here."

I don't remember exactly what I said, but I assured her that distancing herself from the problem and seeming like you surrendered is just what they want to see. It's just what makes them think they are right about you. She isn't like anything they said, not even close and to make those assumptions makes them look worse than you ever will be.

A few more tears had to come out and then she smiled. Got out of bed and claimed she was going to go help cook with them. She learned the only way to deal with people like that, is to show their bullying doesn't have an effect on you.

Ashley never gave into them again. Which is just another reason that I love her, that despite being shy, mild-mannered at times and quiet. She can overcome those parts of her personality to do something great.

You know... Like hold my hand in public.

First Impressions: Chikara Pro

2011-01-03T22:47:00.000-05:00

Chikara Pro Wrestling is an independent wrestling company based in Pennsylvania, but has shows all around the Northeast. The selling point for Chikara is, "Wrestling is fun again." which after watching all of season 9, I have to agree completely with.

Chikara can be described as a nerd's wrestling company, who just so happens to be run by nerds. The shows are distributed by DVD, and each DVD cover is a custom drawn image lampooning famous comic book covers. Here's proof these aren't guys pretending to be nerds, but guys being awesome nerds. Here is the title card for the first event of season 10:
Yes, they're lampooning GI Joe.

Something that appeals to me, as someone who is growing very tired of mainstream wrestling and their good guy hero and bad guy bully. Is that they can produce the most kid friendly wrestling show in the world. No one swears, no one bleeds and very little use of outside weapons. While wrestling fans are some of the most raucous fans of anything in worlds, prone to mass booing, hysteria, chanting and in some cases, violence. Chikara fans have fully embraced the silly and PG rated story lines. For example a usual wrestling fan would chant, "Holy shit!" anytime something awesome happens. In Chikara, they chant "Holy poop!" and when angry, "Shut the heck up!"

Of course, let's get down to the nitty gritty of judging a wrestling promotion, first, wrestlers. While I can say without a doubt, that most of the Chikara wrestlers are very skilled at what they do, I'd even say better than some guys on TV. Chikara is also very famous for having over the top and hilarious wrestler gimmicks (characters), most of which wear masks. For example:

- Ultra Mantis Black, a guy who is pretty much a power rangers villain, but is a good guy cause he's awesome.
- The Colony (pictured above), comprised of Soldier Ant who talks and acts like a drill sergeant. Fire Ant, who only speaks in grunts and Green Ant, the only one who talks normally. They also enter the ring to Dave Matthew's Band's "Ants go Marching."
- Dasher Hatfield, the wrestler whose whole gimmick is that of being an old timey baseball player. Complete with baseball mask and old timey mustache.
- Player Uno and Player Dos. Guys whose whole gimmick revolves around old school video games. They even come out to the Mortal Kombat theme song.
- The Olsen Twins, two guys claiming to be identical twins who don't look anything alike. They come out to Ke$ha's Tik Tok.
- The Osirian Portal, an Egyptian themed duo, Amasis the funky pharaoh and Ophidian the serpent from the Nile. They like dancing.

As well as a lot of others, but last but not least...

- Dragon Dragon, the only real dragon in professional wrestling.
Yes, somebody wrestles in that costume.

Now the second thing to look at are the matches. Probably some of the best matches I've seen in years came from King of Trios. The wrestlers show a lot of technical skill, high flying ability and power to make it much more entertaining than anything currently on TV. Also something you rarely see in any wrestling promotion, skits. For example:

- Wrestlers in the middle of match often break into dance.
- The, "look over there" gag is an acceptable match technique.
- One match was in slow motion.
- Player Uno and Player Dos getting put to sleep by pushing their pause button.
- A baseball game replacing the wrestling match. Including the crowd doing the wave and pitcher taunts.
- "Princess Peach is a tramp!" *crowd gasps*

I have fallen in love with Chikara, that's why I'm planning to buy every single season 10 show.

The Holidays.

2010-12-20T23:06:00.002-05:00

So Ashley, my brother-in-law and his girlfriend are making the trip up North for the holidays. Along with two screaming toddlers and two pretty calm about traveling now, dogs. Leaving the cat and I at home for one more night. Then I drive up to Atlanta, catch a flight to England, have one, I repeat ONE meeting. Then hopefully fly back to Minneapolis, take a taxi to Hudson and get there sometime mid-morning on Christmas Eve. Savvy?

While we're gone, enjoy this!

Ashley Plays Dragon Age: Origins.

2010-12-17T23:11:00.003-05:00

Dragon Age: Origins is a RPG made by Bioware. A company well known for creating interesting stories and awesome dialogue, as well as nice game play. On Monday of this week, she began her journey in the fantasy kingdom of Ferelden to destroy the Darkspawn and slay the Archdemon. This is the story of Aleena AKA Princess Stabbity.

Aleena/Ashley: Alistair, she's crazy!
Alistair: Yes, but she's more like "Ooh! Pretty colors!" than, "Muahahaha I'm Princess Stabbity stab kill kill."
Ashley: I want to start over.
Me: Why?
Ashley: I wanna be Princess Stabbity.

*Ashley's character slaps a female character.*
Ashley: Heheh... Stabbity has to slap a bitch.

Ashley: I'm conflicted.
Me: About what?
Ashley: Does Princess Stabbity go for a romance with the elf, man-whore? Or the cute looking, royal bastard virgin?
Me: What about Lelianna? She swings both ways.
Ashley: Yeah, but she's fantasy French and a born again religious lady. I'm kind of leaning toward the royal bastard.
Me: Why?
Ashley: Cause I wanna be a princess.
Me: But girl on girl!
Ashley: I WANT TO BE A PRINCESS!

*Through a series of moral decisions, Ashley decides to suck the life out of a bitchy noblewoman to save her son.*
Me: You just like being evil, don't you?
Ashley: I do what I must, if that means stabbing people, slapping bitches and human sacrifices. Well, I guess I didn't have to do those things, but I enjoyed every second of it.
Me: This game is bringing out your dark side isn't it?
*She shrugs.*
Ashley: Whatevs...
*Noblewoman screams to death.*

She's only 1/5 through the game after over 10 hours. Much horror awaits...

A Promise.

2010-12-12T22:37:00.002-05:00

I know I've been bad to the few people left who may or may not have abandoned this blog in the past half a year. I promise to at least update once a week, which is getting harder when I have three jobs, including being a daddy to a couple of rowdy toddlers. I promise to update more from this week on (yes I know I've made that promise before).

Somethings that might interest you:

- I know our interest in wrestling isn't interesting to you guys, but I like coming up with those posts. Including the half written one still sitting in my posts thingy.
- I may make Ashley write posts actually.
- I have a cat. The cat has a hat. The cat hates the hat.

Favorite Wrestlers Part 1: Chicago Made.

2010-11-30T23:39:00.003-05:00

CM Punk.

I figured out, that I couldn't do a top 5 for wrestling, it had to be a larger string of posts, that doesn't have a set number, as things change. Thus, these strings of posts will have several wrestlers on it who are retired, or sadly died.

CM Punk currently works on the RAW brand for World Wrestling Entertainment. Sadly he suffered a hip injury and isn't an active wrestler, but realizing the talent the WWE Creative team put him on as a secondary color commentator. Former tag team champion, intercontinental champion and 3 time world heavyweight champion thus becoming the 19th triple crown champion (meaning he won a tag, a middle and a world championship).

CM Punk had a huge cult following in the US Indies before making it big with WWE. I didn't get into independent promotions till two years ago, so when he made his debut, I was less than entertained. He had no character, sure he could wrestle one hell of a match and had an awesome finishing maneuver. Which is called the Go to Sleep, where he picks a guy up on his shoulders and drops the guy's head right onto a knee kick. Watch the video it's on there somewhere.

He still didn't have a good gimmick and the only thing that his gimmick really was, was he lived a straight edge life, meaning no drugs, alcohol or smoking. Then something marvelous happened in 2009. WWE creative, decided to turn him heel (bad guy) and thus CM Punk became the leader of a pseudo cult, the straight edge society and proceeded to consider everyone else below him.

During this time he had some very memorable feuds and cut some of the best promos in wrestling. The man is a freaking genius at promos and thus he made the list.

Doing What I Do.

2010-11-29T20:18:00.004-05:00

For a large portion of my life, I've been told that I shouldn't like something, or I should do something differently. People are entitled to their opinions, but I don't often go into detail why I do what I do. Some of them are pretty simple to explain, some aren't so easy for me to explain to people who don't know how it feels. Well let's get started.

"Why do you like wrestling so much?"
I like it for a few reasons. The first being, that I grew up with wrestling being on in the house and it's a hard habit to break. The second is that as I grew older I came to understand and respect the various aspect that make up wrestling. Wrestling in America is one part choreography, one part soap opera and one part showmanship. It's really the closest thing that most Americans get to weekly theater performances. Sure the story lines aren't the best, but it does produce enough memorable moments. Even though wrestling is fake, taking a bump (a choreographed hit) does hurt and people do get seriously injured all the time. As an older wrestling fan you come to appreciate complex moves and awesome athleticism.

"Why do you hang out... With them?"
Despite the fact that I don't think any straight man has a problem with being popular with the fairer sex. It sometimes gets on your nerves. I was asked some kind of variation of this question from some of the girls I dated in high school and college. I tend to attract the wrong kind of girls around me. I may not look like a nerd, but I'd rather spend a Saturday night out with a few good friends at a movie, playing a video game or playing a table top game. I'd rather do that than go clubbing, go out drinking and do all the things someone my age is "supposed" to do. Honestly if you don't respect my friends, you don't respect who I really am.

"Why are you never on Facebook?"
Cause I have no urge to get on Facebook. I think Facebook drastically reduces the meaning of having real friends. Look, if I'm your friend, I'd rather talk to you in person or over the phone than comment on your little message updates.

"Why don't you want to reconnect with your parents/older siblings? They obviously want to."
Thank you, seriously thank you Ashley for trying to have me reestablish a relationship with most of my direct family. The problem is that I really don't have any desire to reconnect any further with my parents, even if they want to. From my point of view, they spent my entire childhood and adolescence ignoring me, why should I not ignore them? If you have no idea what its like being ignored as a child you have no idea how that felt. Never getting a word of encouragement, never getting praise for a job well done. It really tears at you.

As for my older siblings. Both of them have betrayed my trust and any feeling for them I've ever had for them. Whether it was my older brother really physically beating me up since I was little. Causing black eyes, broken ribs and getting all my teachers fearing for my safety in grade school. Then my sister stealing my property for drug money and then some other stuff I'd rather not talk about.

I guess that I'm done now... *goes off to watch something*

First Impressions: School Days.

2010-11-19T22:35:00.007-05:00

Instead of doing reviews, just outlining my first impressions of something is easier for me to do and less time consuming. Cause in this case it may mean I watched the whole thing, but some cases it means I haven't. Pretty much this is limited to what Ashley and I watch. Today, we have the romance anime School Days.
It's about two girls who are both in the love with an asshole of a guy. So he does what any asshole does, he has sex with both of them...

Um, wasn't I promised a cute romance story?

Wait, what is she doing with that knife?

No...

AUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH! MY EYES. I CAN'T UNSEE!

*The images of what actually occurs in the final episode have been replaced for your own protection.*

Wait, what's in the bag? WHAT'S IN THE BAG!?

She's already dead... *sobs* There's no need to do that to the corpse... No need... *more sobbing*

*Credits roll*

*Silent sobbing* Why would a human create this? Why?

I think I can come away with one thing from this short series. DON'T EVER CHEAT ON ANYONE AND USE CONDOMS. *sobs*

Recommendation? Oh god no... Hell spawn like this should never have existed.

*An hour later gets curious and checks Wikipedia*

Alternate endings, huh?...

AHHHH! *Manly sobbing*

A Nasty Divorce.

2010-11-18T18:19:00.003-05:00

It's been a long time coming. We just don't understand each other anymore and really this is the best for the kids in the long run. Sometimes the bad things out weight the good over the long run. That point finally arrived a few years ago, but I was blind to it. We just don't communicate like we used to, it was becoming a strain for me to defend or like anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm breaking up with you Star Wars.

You've caused me nothing but grief for over 10 years. Money changed you man, you got all... Tween oriented. In ten years, only two good things erupted from that pile of shit you call a creative team. That being "Knights of the Old Republic" and the first non computer animated Clone Wars animations. You know, the ones without that whining little girl as a main character.

You were the Space Opera, the perfect blending of old world adventure tales with brilliant science fiction. Now you're just like... I don't even know, its gotten so bad.

In the words of a famous reviewer, "I'm not even a fan of this franchise. If I were, I'd be measuring myself for the noose."

Just leave me and my family alone Star Wars, I'll only take you back after years of healing and maybe you get the balls to be a good franchise again. Until then, fuck off.

Update on Insanity.

2010-11-05T12:05:00.003-04:00

Since I haven't updated in awhile I thought I'd give a small update. More specifically things that have popped up that make me want drive off a cliff occasionally.

- My mom on her visit breaking the news that she's taking a break from my dad and vice versa. She also sold all her galleries. Did I forget to mention my mom is independently wealthy cause she used to own three art galleries? I didn't did I. Right now she's visiting a friend in Tokyo, after that, she's going to France and finally back to visit the grand kids again.

- I want more time with the kids and Ashley.

- Hell, I just want more time.

- Since November has begun, the mad rush for Thanksgiving and Christmas jockeying has begun. Getting calls from dad, mother-in-law, and father-in-law. Which dinner, which special family time and all that great stuff.

There are some saving graces though. Ashley and I are doing great, the girls are healthy and the pets are being pets.

Now I just wish dad would stop trying to be my friend.

Top 5 Favorite Movie Songs.

2010-10-28T22:54:00.002-04:00

Good movies often have good soundtracks, but some don't have one song that stands out. A song that gives the whole feeling of a movie. The movie may not be good, but the song is awesome. For sanity purposes, musicals aren't included in this list and for the 50th time, these are my opinions.

5. "Flash" by Queen.

Okay, I'm going to tell you that the 1980 Flash Gordon movie is an abomination. I don't think there is anyway to make a story about a jock quarterback being a science fiction hero, it's just weird. Though you can't overlook that catchy, "FLASH! AH-AHHH!" If you can, well I feel sorry for you.

4. "Cancion del Mariachi" by Los Lobos.

Robert Rodriguez is one of the best action movie directors, with a Hong Kong style, but in his own way. Desperado is the second of the Mexico trilogy and in my opinion, the best one. The entire soundtrack was done by Los Lobos and it is awesome. This song, while playing over the credits, sets the entire mood of the movie. If you don't know any Spanish, just look up the English lyrics and they are awesome!

3. "I am a Man of Constant Sorrow" by Soggy Bottom Boys.

I love the Minnesota born Coen Brothers. This classic re-telling of the Odyssey set in Depression Era South, is a funny romp through American mythology. This song is just great, just perfect. Now if you don't know the Coen Brothers didn't want George Clooney to sing this song, they even had a singer lined up, but Clooney said he could sing it. Man could he sing it.

2. "Miserlou" By Dick Dale and his Del-Tones.

Pulp Fiction is a gritty crime story, if you didn't know. Tarantino reached way back to the early 60's to find this gem. Can you believe this entire guitar song was done with the use of only one string on the guitar. Talk about setting the mood for a great movie, this song is attached so much to this movie.

1. "Princes of the Univers" by Queen.

If you didn't see this coming, well you now know. Highlander is one of my favorite movies of all time and this song is my most played on my ipod.

Pardon the Silence.

2010-10-25T22:14:00.008-04:00

I know I haven't posted in awhile. Not that I've lost interest, I just don't have as much time. Hopefully I can get back in the swing of things soon. Until then... Funny video game moment.

And for you wrestling fans:
INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM POKEMON STADIUM!--

The start of the video starts with a "Song that Never Ends" joke, referring it to the spot that never ends, spot in wrestling means a string of moves. At the end of the video, the wrestlers start to do-si-do and sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt." Check it out.

Also if you watched both videos and post a funny comment, you get an internet high five!

Shopping Spree.

2010-10-08T00:32:00.002-04:00

Ashley went on a T-shirt buying spree, always a fan of witty shirts, she chose three.

From Ashley's favorite internet show, Yu-gi-oh Abridged.

I think only one of you will get the above joke.

Ashley loves her Pokemon games.

Jidai 3:16 says I just posted.

2010-10-05T11:09:00.002-04:00

Ashley and I are both long time wrestling fans (don't judge), and because of this we have kind of had an on-going family joke. It's gotten to the point that when we think of a good one, we text each other, email, anything to spread the joke.

Since all in-jokes need to be explained, here it is. As a wrestling fan, It's gotten kind of sad to be a fan. WWE has decided to go PG with its material since Vince McMahon's wife decided to run for the Senate. On the other hand, the other big company and by big, I mean the only other company on basic cable TNA, recruits wrestlers who shuld have retired decades ago and shuns all the good wrestlers, they also run the dumbest story lines. So as an outlet, we need to make fun of them. We both grew up in the "Attitude Era" in other words, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock and all the fun that came from swearing, sex and at its peak some really disgusting stuff like giving birth to a plastic hand and necrophilia.

During the attitude era, almost accidentally Austin's trademark became, "Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!" Taking John 3:16 from the bible, one of the most quoted bible verses and using it to pass on your own message by changing the name and the message. So essentially we do that with wrestling and other things around the world.

Here are some Wrestling ones:
-Daniel Bryan 3:16 says: I just kicked your poster. (This came from a funny promo where Bryan kicked another guy's poster.)
-Edge 3:16 says: I just punched your eagle. (he punched a guy in an eagle suit)
-Tommy Dreamer 3:16 says: I'm a huge tool.

Non-Wrestling Ones:
- Katie 3:16 says: MY TOY!
- Mom 3:16 says: I just forgot your name.

It may not be funny to you, but we enjoy it.

Conversations with Dad.

2010-10-01T23:19:00.002-04:00

I was spurred to write this post because of William Shatner in Shit my Dad Says. Except for being married and not a medical doctor (he does hold a PhD), they are a lot alike. He likes his garden more than 3/4s of their children. Anyways...

Dad: Aren't you happy your mother is coming to visit.
Me: Yeah kind of...
*Awkward silence*
Dad: The Twins might finish ahead of the Rays and the Yankees.
Me: I know, isn't it great!

Sports, the glue that binds our distant relationship.

Me: Hi Dad.
Dad: Put Ashley on the line.
*Vigorous hand waving from Ashley*
Me: She's not around, she went to the park with the girls. Why what were you going to ask her?
Dad: I figured she's a 22 year old girl, she must have Facebook. I wanted her help on making me a profile.
Me: Well I can stop you right there, she doesn't have a profile. Talk to Hattie (my older sister), she's very into Facebook. Bye dad.
Dad: Wait!
Me: Yes?
Dad: Do you think your mother and I would enjoy the Facebook movie?

Dad: The two of you are coming up North for the holidays right?
Me: Yeah, we'll be staying in Hudson like last time.
Dad: Why don't you stay with us, we have spare room.
Me: Um...
Dad: Just think about it, I'll be expecting a yes soon though!

The last one was from today. Still not sure if he is being nice, wanting to establish a connection with me and his granddaughters, or if he is simply slipping into early dementia.

I'm Awake.

2010-09-29T00:10:00.002-04:00

I had just put my head on the pillow, when I heard the booming cry from the next room. "DADDY!" The voice screamed. I lurched up knowing my duty to my daughters, I sprung into action. I stumbled my way into their room and looked to the right. Katie was sleeping soundly, hardly disturbed by the noise, her younger sister Ami on the other hand was standing up screaming for me.

"What's the matter?" I said in as quiet a tone as possible, as to not wake up my sleeping wife. No verbal response, I'm not surprised, she just lifted up her arms to get picked up and so I did. Not a tear on this toddler's face, not even a frown. Though she gripped my t-shirt with all her little strength. I mused to myself, "A nightmare I suppose..." This was answered by her burying her face into my chest.

Feeling that the sleepiness that had once drifted over me was gone, I decided to head downstairs with the scared toddler. By this point we were joined by our nocturnal cat, who weaved in-between my legs as I walked downstairs to the sun room. Where we keep the big family TV and I brought up Netflix. Jokingly I asked, "What did you want to watch?" No response of course, but she still gripped my shirt and dug her face into my chest.

The cat meowed as if saying, "I want X-files!" But as I tend to do when the sun is down, ignored her. I instead turned on a BBC series I had seen before, hoping it would lure the two of us back to sleep. Eventually her grip loosened and I laid her down on the couch to sleep. On the other side of things, I wasn't feeling at all sleepy. I didn't have the heart to possible wake her up by moving her back upstairs.

So I sit here, writing out a small little story. Spending time with one of the daughters I see very little of nowadays. I wish that could change, but for now, enjoying the time we have together, in a dark room, watching a movie.

Happy Town is Here.

2010-09-27T00:43:00.002-04:00

There are few things that doesn't involve death or injury of someone close, that make me dread the future and seriously consider finding a way to live under the sea.

One of those things just happened to happen. You see I got a call, but we'll get to that in a bit.

Last night as Ashley and I were winding down and snuggled in bed. That's when, as sweetly as possible I whispered to her, "My mom is coming to stay with us for a week." Then like a cat she sprang forth and proceeded to pummel me.

"You're telling me now!?"
"I figured, when you calmed down at the end of the day would be the best time."
"When!?"
"Next week."

More punching.

In my defense my mom is a master at asking a big question when you least expect it, thus forcing a quick response that will most likely not go against the woman who gave birth to you. Once I gave into my mother, she proceeded to make plans to stay in our guest room and so on. Thus making any way of going back on my word, nearly impossible.

Ashley is of course not happy, because the two of them are like lightly colored oil and water mixed in a small bowl for the amusement and education of a second grade class. While that may sound like an elaborate simile, saying they are like oil and water doesn't quite cut it. Cause in all honesty, it's kind of fun seeing the two of them go at it. That's of course in small doses, as proven by the past two Christmas vacations, extended visits of more than 2 hours leads to hell on Earth for me.

This has of course caused Ashley into super mom mode. While the two don't tend to get along very well, I think some sick twisted part of Ashley still wishes to impress the mother-in-law. Considering she is often a target for belittling, various insults with a smile and all the things I grew accustomed to as a child.

My mom may not like Ashley, but she adores her granddaughters and that is the main basis for this trip. She wants a relationship with them and to a lesser extent us. Though she has told me a few times she thinks this won't last. The problem with the bonding thing, is that I work a lot and seeing me, is a little rare. Her response, "I can always spend time with HER."

I foresee spending many an hour banging my head on my desk.

Annoy, Miss, Love and Hate.

2010-09-23T19:56:00.002-04:00

Here's a list of five things that I'm currently being annoyed by, missing, loving and hating. Why? Cause I'm bored and I think I need to post before I just disappear.

Annoy
- Bikers. Yes, it's still pissing me off endlessly, to the point where I feel like sticking a big stick in the front tire of a moving bicycle.
- The Vikings utter lack of offense. I mean 19 points in 2 games, that's horrible, even by Baltimore standards. It doesn't help that I live with a cheesehead, but I refuse to drink the Aaron Rodgers Kool-Aid.
- One of the dogs, I won't say which since she's a bad girl! Is digging holes in my nice back yard.
- I consider myself quite handy with tools and building things, enough to save a good amount of money on repairmen, but plastic playground sets for toddlers, dear god. The horror. Yes I know they come in big pieces and you can just snap them together. THEY JUST WON'T SNAP! So I tossed them around the yard a few times to let out some anger.
- Ferrets.

Miss
- I miss my old neighborhood I grew up in. I grew up in a Minneapolis neighborhood by the name of Tangle Town, a winding neighborhood that follows the Minnehaha Creek and other Minneapolis neighborhoods. My part, was adjacent to a large neighborhood called Lynnhurst, which makes up most of South Minneapolis. I miss the local stores, the creek and all the little nuances that made growing up a little more bearable.
- I miss fishing. I used to fish every summer, now I'll be lucky to do it once a year.
- I miss playing sports, once you get out of school there's not many outlets for people who played big team sports like baseball and hockey.
- That satisfying feeling of putting a stick through the front wheel of a moving bicycle.
- Writing something I want to write.

Love (It's shorter but better!)
- Of course mad props to my wife and family!
- When Ashley wears short, shorts.
- That I can actually tell my twins apart, just by the eye color.
- When I get in bed late and like a magnet, Ashley snuggles up next to me.
- Hamburgers, with a little bacon, a little lettuce, a little swiss cheese and a sunny side-up egg.

Hate
- Olives.
- That horrible feeling when I realize I'm too old and a possible victim of a lawsuit if I stick that big stick in the front wheel of a bicycle. Though this subsides when I think about doing it to a power ballad, in slow motion of course. Bastards think they can turn left on a red...
- Micheal Bay, George Lucas, Diablo Cody and Tim Burton. To name a few.
- Captain Crunch. Not the cereal, I love the cereal. I just hate the man/cartoon character. I don't know what it is, the shifty eyes, the possible kidnapping of small children on his magic boat. I just can't put my finger on it. Also the Trix Rabbit.
- The student who broke my damn digital projector. Grr...

10 First Dates.

2010-09-19T21:45:00.003-04:00

Before I met Ashley my good friend decided it was up to her to match me up with a girl. So a series of blind dates ensued. This is a date by date analysis of the girl, the date, why the date sucked and if I really, REALLY, REALLY regretted my choice not to sleep with them after the first date.

Date 1: Peppy!
Hair: Red.
Date: Lunch, I think we both had breaks during class so we had a quick lunch. Nice girl, pretty cute.
Deal breaker: 17 years old.

Date 2: Huh?
Hair: Red. Sensing a trend here?
Date: Dinner at a nice restaurant of the ladies choosing, I think it was like an Irish pub in Downtown Minneapolis. I was the first there, so I waited around. I got a loose description so I was keeping an eye out. Then this girl wearing all designer clothes, a purse that was probably worth a couple hundred dollars and one of those made for texting phones came in. She matched the description.
Deal breaker: It was one of the worst dates, she was texting on and off the entire dinner and at the same time was trying to hit on me. I bailed.
Regrets: She was sooooo hot and totally into me. Then again, she was as dumb as a mildly sedated cat.

Date 3: I know you!
Hair: Red. Apparently someone thinks I only like redheads.
Date: It was a great date, movie, quick dinner, it was fun.
Deal breaker: It was my friend who was setting me up with people, also a non-craxy ex-girlfriend. It's weird, I know a lot of girls, a lot that I consider friends, but when it becomes common knowledge that I'm single. They all start to come out of the woodwork and try to stake claim. It my sound like I'm bragging, but it's not fun. Maybe a little...

Date 4: I know you too!
Hair: Brown.
Date: No date.
Deal breaker: Sometimes women can come on a little too strong when you first meet them. This girl had been half stalking me and yeah, not going to have any of that.

Date 5: Anthropology Major.
Hair: Brown.
Date: In terms of what we did and ate it was fine. This girl while all kinds of hot, that at my point of not having sex for a few months, god that was a test.
Deal breaker: She was... How is a nice way of saying this. A know-it-all. She would correct me over and over. Yet I could tell she had never had a relationship of any kind. Cause after treating me like crap, she thought I would call her back.

Date 6-9: Why are crazy girls who just happen to be hot, like really hot. Like, "I haven't had sex in 3 months, so if you'll excuse me I'll be in the bathroom." Hot.
Deal breakers: One of them sent back a hamburger 3 times and was mean to the waiter and me. The other two, were just plain mean. One of them was beyond crazy, like call the cops after the third misguided date.

Date 10: Oh... Well... Nice...
Hair: Brown hair, but her bangs were blond.
Date: We were going to meet at a nice place that I liked. The catch was I would need to give her a ride home, since a friend was dropping her off. Which could lead to one really awkward ride back, so I was not happy about it. She got there before me, she was on her phone outside the restaurant. Oh no, not another ditzy girl. Wait, she's hot. SOOOOOOOOO HOT! Simple, just wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but you could tell she worked out a lot. Bright blue eyes and a great smile, even if at the time it was nervous.
Deal breaker: None. Turns out she was on the phone with her mom.

Turns out I married that nervous girl in front of the restaurant and built a wonderful family.

So... What's Up?

2010-09-14T22:50:00.002-04:00

Not much, oh oddly sentient, title making robot. Okay, some stuff has gone on.

- About 3 months ago I got a call from my agent. Seeing as I do freelance edits, re-writes and writing. While holding two full-time jobs. It helps to have someone who has contacts and can pitch work to me. Generally I only accept smaller jobs, in terms of writing, mostly commercials and the like. So what happens is a company contracts an ad agency. The agency comes up with a general idea and they either write it in-house, or they contact people like my agent who forward me the information that needs to be conveyed in the ad and let me do my business. Then I submit my work and if it's chosen for the ad, they mail me a check and all is happy.

Well I got paid, the ad was produced and can occasionally be seen on national TV, it started during the weekend. This makes my third nationally broadcast commercial and I'm finding that I'm being asked to write more and more. That would be a good living if I were single and didn't have 5 dependents.

I will not name which commercials I wrote, but you all can guess if you want.

- I think our dogs are like the ditzy girls you all knew in high school. Sometimes they just sit in the backyard staring at a wall with their tongues out. Not much going on in their heads, but darn if it isn't cute.

- The Twins new favorite word is "hi!" When you walk in a room they'll say it a half dozen times, or until you say "hi!" back and give them attention.

- "Brian!"
"Yes?"
"Why do my baby's hair end in a large curl?"
"Umm... Cause if my hair gets long it ends in a curl."
"Why!? It's like if you hair is a permanent 50's girl haircut."
"Blame my parents. Didn't you ever wonder why I cut it short?"
"No..."
*She stares off in the distance as if her not wondering, changes everything*

- I think the whole dumb blond thing can be attributed to just a lack of common sense. Like Ashley dangling a dog treat between two dogs that could easily knock her over. Then the ensuing chaos as those dogs tackle her and chase her around the house for more. All as the two babies laugh and laugh.

I have an odd family.

I Can't Think of a Title--

2010-09-09T23:57:00.003-04:00

-- for the rage that overwhelms me, cannot be described with words.

All I'm going to say is I hate the Saints. I hated them before the NFC Championship game, I hated them more after and I hate them about the same after our first game.

How am I supposed to raise my daughters on gold and purple, when their mother is feeding them the Aaron Rodgers Kool-aid. HOW!?

Thankfully we play Detroit before out bye-week in two weeks. There is a team that is always fun to take anger out on.

Why?...

2010-09-06T22:55:00.002-04:00

Ashley: Do it!
Me: I don't want to.
Ashley's Female Friend: Do it!
Me: Fine!
Ashley: Take your shirt off!
Me: Why!?
Ashley: He had his shirt off and it's hots!
*Grumble*
Me: Fine!

Me: Happy now!?
*both of them bouncing up and down.*
Both: AGAIN!
Me: You're so making me cookies after this!

Ashley Tries Pick-Up Lines.

2010-08-31T15:03:00.002-04:00

"You have, uh, a nice... Butt."

"Uhh..."

"Oh you're so cute. Yes you are!"
"Ashley I'm not a baby."

"Sex. Now."

"That thing, we should do that thing. You know, sometime. When you're ready."

"Ready?"

I love my little incredibly sheltered, suburban raised wife. When i told her about this post, she was shocked that her attempts at flirting aren't at all normal.

Intern Fun.

2010-08-24T20:05:00.002-04:00

Each semester I get two grad students who work for me as interns, while they work on their own projects. Mainly they do some filing, equipment room hours and occasionally help with papers. Pretty much just busy work for them, so they can grab a couple of credits while working on one of the their projects. Usually they are about the same age as me.

The semester hasn't started yet, but I've got my two grad students. So I invited them both to take the usual tour around the grounds, exchange contact information and to also get to know them. Here are some excerpts...

In my office.
Female Grad Student: Aww, who are the babies?
Me: My daughters.
FGS: You have daughters?
Me: Yes, twins in fact.
Male Grad Student: Are you married?
Me: Yes, for over 2 years.
*weird looks from both of them.*
Me: What? Oh, and we do need the occasional babysitters if either of you are interested.

In the private faculty film library.
MGS: You work also as a higher up for a major Japanese studio right.
FGS: Shh!
Me: Not that it matters, but I do.
MGS: Well if you work a job that pays like ***** a year, why do you work also as a teacher?
FGS: Shush!
Me: Cause I enjoy molding people's minds with intellectual analysis of film and also cause I don't like just being a suit.
*grand gesture*
Me: I also get full access to one of the largest private film collections on the East Coast.
FGS: Can we borrow stuff from here at all?
Me: Haha. No.

Back at the office.
Me: So, that's everything, I will see you again when the semester starts.
FGS: Can I just ask something and I'm not trying to get brownie points or anything, but I might be interested in babysitting.
Me: You are?
FGS: Yes, I love kids!
MGS: You do?
Me: Are you two dating?
*silence*

...

A Friend.

2010-08-22T00:55:00.002-04:00

I was only home for twenty hours when I got the call from someone, I knew was going to call, just not when. A call I've been dreading for over 5 years.

One of my best friends for over 10 years died.

I met him in 6th grade and we became quick friends. While my other best friend has known me for longer, he's more of a fun guy. A guy you hang out with when you have free time. He was more of the go to if you need advice, need someone to talk to and when he wanted, he could just be as fun of a guy. Near the end of our senior year in high school, he was diagnosed with leukemia.

He postponed college and his dream of becoming a paleontologist. He was all signed up to start college at UCLA the next fall. One year became two, then three, then he was finally diagnosed as being terminal.

He died peacefully earlier this week.

He was one of my closest friends and pretty much my family. He was the friend that convinced his parents to let me stay at their home when I left my parent's home. His family became mine and for the next few years I enjoyed spending the major family holidays together with them. He was always there for me when I was running dry and didn't want to continue.

I once asked him, if I should move to be with Ashley in Georgia. He told me without hesitation to go, to start a family and most importantly to be happy. I wanted him to be a co-best-man at my wedding. He refused, not because he didn't want to, not cause he didn't like Ashley, but because he was becoming too weak to stand and do all the important stuff.

I refused to accept that answer, he was one of my best men at my wedding. He was next to me when I got married, refusing to sit in a chair that we put out for him, but he insisted on standing throughout the wedding.

He never got to do all the things he wanted to do with his life, have a family, a career. All the things that I sometimes might take for granted. That really grounds a person.

I flew back to Minneapolis to attend the funeral earlier this week.

Where I made a promise, to live my life more fully and enjoy my family more than anything. I also promised, if I were to ever have another child, I would name him/her after him. It's the least I can do for one of my best friends.

I will miss you Sidney, I always will.

Hi, It's Ashley Again.

2010-08-14T22:06:00.003-04:00

Brian is too busy writing a new syllabus, adding a new lecture to his screenwriting class and generally just sitting around in his office drinking whiskey. While he watches internet reviews and giggles like a child.

I married a man-child.

A child trapped in a hot... Sexy...

*cough*

Well we just arrived back in Savannah from Japan. Thought I'd give you all an update on what's going on right now. Since I really don't have much else to say... I present to you, the worst film made in the 21st century, "The Room."

If you didn't catch two of the best lines in the clip:

"It's bullshit! I did not hit her. I did not."
*throws bottle down.*
"Oh, hi Mark."

and...

"I used to know this girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it. Beat her up so bad she ended in a hospital on Guerrero Street."
"Hahaha! Great story Mark."

Brian showed this to me a few weeks back. It's one of those movies that is sooooooooooo bad it's hilarious. This may be my only film recommendation, but check out "The Room" if you dare.

Brian Edit: Saw this appear while working. Just a fun piece of trivia, "The Room" was produced for over 5 million dollars, by that greasy, French? Canadian? Um, German? That greasy guy. Who write, directed and starred in it.

Vikings...

2010-08-11T23:19:00.002-04:00

I know at most I'll get one comment on this post, but could you please read? With that, be prepared, it's a long one.

I've lived through a lot in my short life, stuff I'd rather not go through right now. Yet, with all that, the Vikings are on my list of the most depressing moments of my life. The 2009 NFC Championship was just the capper on a 50 year old franchise filled with heartbreak.

I watched my first Vikings game when I was 3, I went to my first Vikings game when I was 5. I've had a lifelong relationship with this team, during the highs and the lows. When you are that invested to a team, the most devastating moments for them, become the most devastating for you. I'm sure some sports fans can understand my feelings on this issue.

To help you understand, let me explain a little of the history of this team, that isn't known outside the state. During the 50's both Minneapolis and St. Paul the Twin Cities each wanted their own baseball and football teams. From the founding of the cities, there was quite a bit of animosity between the two cities, which were just across the river from each other. Then the Twins and Vikings both arrived in the Twin Cities, but didn't call themselves the "Minneapolis Twins" or the "St. Paul Vikings," but the Minnesota Twins and the Minnesota Vikings. This team was part in uniting the two cities.

If you've never been to the Twin Cities during football season, all you see is purple. The buses, trains, the buildings and the streets are purple and gold. Purple jerseys are seen everywhere from when training camp starts, to a few weeks after their season is done. The only places I've heard or seen such dedication to a team are the Cowboys in Dallas and the Packers in Wisconsin.

The Vikings have existed for 50 years this season. We've been to 4 Super Bowls and lost every single one. Statistically, from the start of the Vikings, we've been in the playoffs more times than the Packers, the Bears and the Lions. We've been the most successful during the regular season than anyone else and appeared in more Super Bowls than any other team in the division including the nationally loved Packers. Yet every single time something good happens for the team, we lose. We just lose.

For my entire life I've watched the Packers win and win with Favre. I watched hopelessly as they won a Super Bowl with him. All of the Vikings fans, like always, just watched and no one to cheer for. Then all of a sudden we're the bad guys for giving a rejected Favre a home after the Packers left him for dead and then having the nerve to win. We just want to win and perhaps win a championship. The same thing happened last season, we were playing the Saints for the NFC Championship. Suddenly we're the bad guys again, cause we're standing in the way of the Saints and their miracle championship run. No one wanted us to win, except for the state of Minnesota, but who cares about us right? We're just that team that always loses in the playoffs, so we did our job.

After we lost last seasons game in the last few minutes. I got up, ignored the sympathetic wife and slammed my office door behind me as hard as I could. I locked the doors, sat down on my couch and you know what? I cried. I cried just like I cried in 1998 and I know I'm not the only one. My Dad and Uncle both admitted to crying after the Super Bowl losses. Even writing this down is kind of hard on me.

I don't expect anyone to understand, unless you're from Minnesota and a Vikings fan.

The Twins have won two World Series, the Lakers used to be in Minneapolis and won a lot of the early NBA Championships, the North Stars won the Stanley Cup a few times, before leaving to Dallas. The Vikings have never won the Super Bowl, we are the most successful NFL team that has never won a Super Bowl.

You know, some people would say that because of my parents I put my love and support behind a sports team. Which I guess could be true, but I grew up watching adults act this way too and there is no shame in that. They could lose a dozen Super Bowls, but you know what, I'd still support them.

They're my team and I'll defend them as much as I can. Of course being married to a die hard Packers fan, who has the twins wear Packers socks, is of course sad as well.

Go Vikings!

More Baseball.

2010-08-10T22:20:00.004-04:00

This is always one of my favorite times of the year. The little league world series is starting, the major league division races are heating up and hopefully after tonight the Twins will be in first place.

Sadly I've only been to two baseball games this season, while it is true that, that is more than last season, it's not enough for me. I went to a game in Japan, and if you've never been to a major league Japanese game, I would highly suggest it. Let me put it this way, in the U.S. Baseball is a sport and the national past-time, in Japan, baseball is a religion. At the height of baseball in America, between 193o and 1970, is almost what it's like in Japan. It's fun and if you ask Ashley, slightly unnerving.

Then I went to a Blue Jays game in Toronto, had a good time. The food there was really cheap, I guess they are trying anything to lure people to go to the UGLIEST BASEBALL STADIUM EVER! Everything is blue, it's like the Metrodome, except bigger, emptier and ugly as all sin. I mean, I hate Dodgers stadium, but I'd take that any day over the Toronto park. Granted I haven't been to Tropicana Field which I hear is the worst, but I judge on which ones I've been to.

Anyways...

This whole not going to a lot of games bothers me because the Minnesota Twins have a new ballpark and from what I hear from impartial sources, say it's one of the prettiest. I mean look at it!
It's effing beautiful. Also from what I've heard, every single regular season game has sold out. They're running out of season tickets for next season and I want to go so much! You know a new ballpark is always a big deal, but when you consider, the Twins were going to be dissolved 12 years ago along with the Expos, due to low attendance and losing teams. Then we won 5 division titles, had two MVPs, 2 Cy Young Awards and 3 Silver Bats. This ballpark is a sign of the team surviving and something we haven't had in Minnesota for almost 30 years, outdoor baseball. I mean, we played here for nearly 30 years:
While this stadium saw two world championships, including the amazing 1991 World Series. It was still one butt ugly football stadium, refitted for baseball. This picture is after they fixed the building up. AFTER!

I guess I better start sucking up to daddy, I mean, he does have season tickets...

My Little Confession.

2010-08-04T22:32:00.002-04:00

Just before I write it out, be aware, Ashley does know as well as the respective families.

Here it goes...

Ashley is my second wife.

I was married for a grand total of about 3 weeks. Of course I'm going to say, I was young, reckless and when last second, idiotic decisions like this are made, I was drunk and under 21. Also did I mention this took place in Vegas. Yeah, that was just a recipe for disaster wasn't it?

The story starts the week before starting grad school. A few friends and my crazy ex-girlfriend, which I guess I should change to, crazy ex-wife now that the truth is out. I had a fake ID from age 16, so getting drunk was fairly easy. Also I was over 18, she was over 18, both consenting adults and we had 50$ and 15 minutes to wait during the waiting period. F-ing Vegas.

Long story short, I spent over 2 weeks asking for a divorce, which she wouldn't agree to. Finally we did and for a month things were awkward, but I always tried to explain it off as just two drunk people who didn't know any better. Then I found out she was completely sober at the time and was very underhanded in the whole thing. It quickly turned ugly, things were said, people's legs were stabbed, it happens.

Why am I bringing this up? Cause I'm nearing my second anniversary with Ashley and having been married to someone I did not want to be with, made me make sure I married someone I wanted to. It's worked out and I couldn't be happier, you know as long as the ex and Ashley are a continent apart.

Seriously it's like two angry cats stuck in a box.

My Beliefs.

2010-08-02T22:21:00.003-04:00

I try and keep this blog a place where I don't discuss my political or religious feelings. Ashley and I don't share exactly the same views on some issues, but it doesn't mean we hate each other for it. On the other hand I differ greatly from my parents on political views and I know to not get in a fight with them, don't talk about politics.

I'm a Libertarian who would be considered a liberal moderate in most circles. I believe in personal rights of any individual. Let me make this absolutely clear though, this does not mean I agree with you, but I respect your right to think that way. Here is an example:

I'm not against gay people, but if you are that's fine, you're entitled to your own beliefs. I may not agree with you, but I respect your beliefs. Just as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

Here's where I draw the line though. Don't push your beliefs on me, I may respect your right to believe what you want, but don't you dare tell me what I should believe. That is my choice and odds are I'm not going to change my mind about that. You can believe what you want, you can teach your children what they want, I can't stop you, that's your choice. I just don't want you pushing your ideals onto me, or my children.

If someone ever tells my daughters to think that people aren't equal, based on, the color of their skin, their religious views or their sexual orientation. I will come down on you as hard as I possibly can, cause that's my right. Nothing gives any person the right to tell my children to hate or discriminate at a point in their lives where they can't make informed decisions.

If Katie, when she is older comes up to me and says that all her friends go to church, but we don't. We'll attend church and it becomes her choice if she wants to go again, it's not my right to tell a child she can't go to church (her grandma would be happy though). If Ami tells me she wants to play baseball, but not girls softball (which would make me very happy). I'll buy her a glove, a bat and I'll find a baseball team that accepts girls, cause if she wants to play, I'm not going to tell her she can't. They are my daughters, but they are also individuals who are entitled to their own belief system. They should live their life they want to live.

I'll finish this post with a short paragraph of my beliefs on certain issues and if you disagree with me, fine. Post a comment, send me horrible emails, cause guess what, I don't care if you disagree with me, you can believe what you want for all I care and if I lose some readers that's fine too.

I'm not going to apologize for who I am...

I think gay marriage is a swell idea, I mean, why can two straight people be married and hate each other, when two people of the same gender who love each other cannot? I'm pro-choice and I think a woman can make the choice if she wants. I believe in global warming, but I also believe that the ultra-liberals aren't going to change a damn thing by essentially being modern hippies, the world doesn't work like that. I am a firm supporter of evolution and I think creationism is silly. Religion is fine in my books, I'm agnostic by the way. Most importantly though, everyone is equal in my eyes, I don't judge based on race, gender, creed or sexual affiliation. I think ANYONE can achieve greatness, granted they have the will and perseverance to do so.

If you read this post I thank you very much.

Worst Skype Call Ever.

2010-07-31T23:24:00.002-04:00

Ashley and I use Skype to stay in contact with friends over long distance and like today with each other.

*Female Friend enters call*
Ashley: Hey.
FF: Hey, what's up.
Male Friend: Brian and I have a question for you.
FF: Okay, shoot.
MF: Which do you prefer, Die Hard or Lethal Weapon?
FF: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Me: WHAT!? NEVER! AUGH!
FF: Sorry, I don't watch a lot of movies.
MF: What have you seen?
FF: Jurassic Park 2.
Me: Did you see Jurassic Park 1?
FF: No.
Me: AUGH! AUGH!
MF: She's never seen any of the Terminator movies either.
Ashley: I think Brian has rage quit.
Me: No, I'm here, I'm just seething.
FF: I did see Terminator Salvation.
Me: WHAT!? WHY!? AUGH! Okay... I'm going to name movies and tell me if you have seen them. Highlander?
FF: No.
Me: Gremlins?
FF: No.
Me: Any of the Predator movies?
FF: No,
Me: Any of the Alien movies?
FF: Um... No.
Me: The Goonies?
FF: What's that?
*I do rage quit at this point and punch a pillow a few times. I returned to hear this.*
Ashley: Good job, you scared off my husband.
MF: God, I wish I recorded that.
FF: It's not my fault, my parents wanted me to read more than watch. Ashley you should know what I mean!
Ashley: I do, but I at least watched The Goonies.

That is why I married her.

Conversation with Grandpa Part 2.

2010-07-27T00:37:00.002-04:00

Just a few more questions I forgot to write up.

Me: Did you ever have any nightmares or anything like that after the war?
Grandpa: I was very close to my older brother who was a pilot. When he died I was only 13 and it saddened me greatly. From then on I will occasionally have dreams of crashing and burning, but as I have gotten older, they went away. As for after I served in the army, not really. I saw horrifying things and did things I don't wish to talk about. You try your best to forgot about a lot of those things, but I think not hiding it helps.

Me: Any good memories?
Grandpa: I play shogi (Japanese chess) with a man I served with. He's probably my best friend and we've known each other since 1944 when we were partnered up during the war. I of course met your grandmother after the war, she was so beautiful and I was so lucky--
Grandma: Sorry to interrupt, but you forgot to clean up after yourself.
Grandpa: I did clean up!
Grandma: There are crumbs all over the sitting room and the cat knocked over the plate of crackers.
Grandpa: Fine! Evil old woman. *footsteps away from the phone.*
Grandma: Oh Brian, when you get a chance tell your wife that we expect pictures of the babies from their first birthday.
Me: I thought I sent them to you.
Grandma: You did not. Now get on it.
Me: Yes ma'am.

The Arakaki's: Night Watching Ghost Adventures Part 1.

2010-07-25T00:03:00.001-04:00

*Note: Neither Ashley or myself can prove or disprove the existence of ghosts and other paranormal activities.*

Ghost Adventures is a Travel Chanel reality show about three douche bags looking for ghosts. The main guy who has about a cup worth of hair gel in at all times and feels the urge to challenge the ghost people to fisticuffs. The guy with the goatee who as far as I have seen is only there to agree with the main guy. Of course, there is the drama queen too, who just so happens to be a skinny white guy. In order they will be referred to as "Douche Douche", "Goatee Douche" and "Drama Douche". You know, like the Smurfs.

This is our responses to the show as it goes on.

Episode 1:

Douche Douche: "The best way to get a reaction out of a spirit is to taunt them."
Me: It's also the best way to get your ass kicked in the back alley of a bar.

Douche Douche: "This is going to be the worst lock down we've ever done."
Ashley: How can this be the worst!? THIS IS THE FIRST EPISODE!

Douche Douche: "This place is full of dark energy, it's very creepy down here."
Ashley: How is a sewer underneath a highway full of dark energy?
Goatee Douche: "What is that horrible smell!? I have to leave!"
Ashley: YOU'RE IN A SEWER!

Drama Douche: "If anyone here wants to fight, Douche Douche is over there."
Ashley: BFFs for life!

Drama Douche: "Can you feel that? Look at my arm, the hair is standing on end."
Ashley: You have more hair than a dog, how am I supposed to tell?

Douche Douche: "So this is what they call hell's gate!?"
Me: It's a 5 foot deep hole with a cinder block in it.

Douche Douche: "If this is the portal to hell. If this a portal to hell. Come get us."
Me: If on the loose chance this is the portal to hell, why taunt it? WHY!?

Drama Douche: "Oh my god, it scratched your back!"
Douche Douche: "WTF!?"
Goatee Douche: In a very creepy voice that you can barely hear, "Can... Can I touch it?"
Ashley: Is there something going on here we should be aware of? Cause in terms of gay couples, you could do worse.
Douche Douche: "DUDE!"

Fat Priest: "I would be ready to perform an exorcism. This is dangerous."
Ashley: But first, the pop tarts!
Me: I can do you one better. Bring me an old priest, a young priest and slightly overweight priest!
*giggling ensues*

Outnumbered 7 to 1.

2010-07-22T22:46:00.002-04:00

There are 8 living creatures, humans, dogs and a cat living in our house right now. All but one would be classified under the female gender. I am not in that classification and now I feel like the only girl nerd at a table top game shop. Strange, out of place and moderately disgusted by the choice of conversation in my own house.

Sister: you know I think I need to try a new brand of tampons.
Me: Do you not see me sitting here!?
Ashley: Don't buy store brands, it's just a code to live by.
*I leave whimpering*
Sister: I love messing with him.
Ashley: We should talk about Pap smears when he's having a snack.
Me: AUGH!

Sister: Hi!
Me: Why aren't you wearing a shirt, god!
Sister: I have a bra on!
Me: Just put on a shirt.
Sister: No deal... Fine.
*Ashley enters*
Me: Why don't you have pants on?
Ashley: It's hot and your sister isn't wearing a shirt.
Sister: It is hot.
Me: We have air conditioning.
Both: ...

*The twins giggle while scooting across the hardwood floor*
Me: *Sigh*.

I think I need a son, so he can just be equally as horrified as me when he is my age.

Get to Know Minnesota: Food.

2010-07-20T17:46:00.007-04:00

I thought I would do a few posts about my home state and all the great things it has to offer. One of those is the amazing food that you can really only find in Minnesota.
The Jucy/Juicy Lucy was invented in Minneapolis at either Matt's Bar, or the 5-8 Club. The origin is up in the air since neither one can prove they made it before the other. It may just look like your standard dive bar hamburger, but inside there is something most amazing. They take two, one quarter pound hamburgers and sandwich cheese in between the two hamburgers. So when it's cooked and served. You bite into it and molten cheese gushes into your mouth. Trust me, the best hamburger I've ever had was at Matt's Bar, with a cold beer.
The Minnesota State Fair is called the Great Minnesota Get-Together. It is the largest state fair in the country by a mile. While of course there are the Midwest state fair staples, like farmer shows and the like, but for the city dwellers, there is so much more. Over 50 foods are put on sticks for this fair. The above picture is a rueben sandwich on a stick, but there's pizza on a stick, spaghetti and meatballs on a stick, gator on a stick and of course the most perfect corn dogs. Not only that, but it's the only time of the year when you can buy the state fair chocolate chip cookies, freshly made. You can buy a bucket of them for cheap and still have to eat more than 10 to close the lid of the bucket. Then you can wash them all down with the all you can drink free milk bar. It's really something anyone should try and enjoy, just be careful with kids, there are tons of people there each day.
It's Lutefisk if you're wondering. Most of Minnesotan's original settlers were Scandinavian and were drawn to Minnesota cause the climate and landscape was just like home, with the lakes and cold winters. They of course brought over their food and the most famous/hated of all being lutefisk. If you don't know what it is, let me enlighten you. Lutefisk is cod fillet that is preserved in lye, you know the stuff that can kill you and you use to destroy corpses. It sits in lye until the bones turn to jelly, yes, jelly. Then you wash it off, slab pounds of butter on it and then you attempt to eat it. It's not very good, you can't hide the flavor of rotting fish, you just can't. The interesting thing is what was once known as a Scandinavian food, is now more widely known as a Minnesotan food. We eat way more in Minnesota than the country of origin, in fact we make and sell their lutefisk for them.

Next time I hope to write about the twin cities in great detail, for that is what I know best.

Wait, I'm a Parent?

2010-07-15T12:48:00.002-04:00

I am indeed a parents of two bouncing twin baby girls. I have a busy schedule, which doesn't quite match up with the schedule of 1 year old twins. So I try to make as much time as possible to spend time with them, playing with them, or just sitting around spouting out gibberish. I think whenever Ashley and I are together with the two of them, is the highlight of my day.

Something I've been noticing though, is that their individual personalities are really starting to come out. Before I go on, I must reiterate that both of them look just like Ashley, except for Ami who has light brown eyes like mine. Anyways, the best way to describe their personalities right now, is the best of Ashley and the worst of me. In other words they can be really, really well behaved, no noise, no fussing and just be perfect little girls, when they want to. When they want to go on a spree from hell, they will, with a vengeance. It takes three adults to keep them in line and that's scary.

But let me get to the point of this post, which is really just me thinking out loud about something that bothers me. It's not a big deal for Ashley, but for me it makes a big difference. We split our time between two homes, one in Georgia and one in Japan. Sooner or later the twins aren't going to want to be hopping nations so much.

The plan currently is to have the twins go to school in Georgia and during the summer we will move to our home in Japan. Which sounds reasonable, but the twins will most likely make friends at school they won't want to leave for months on end. Which puts me in a situation, cause the main reason we move back and forth is for my jobs.

The other option is choose one over the other. This is harder to narrow down, cause the twins can't obviously which they prefer in this case. The problem for me in staying in the U.S. is that most of my job is during the school year and really I don't have much else. In Japan my job is a full year job, with decent breaks to spend with the family to compensate for that. So in my case I would prefer staying in Japan, but I can't think just about myself anymore.

We raise the twins in a multi-language house, in fact the twins know more Japanese than English right now. Then there is the big problem, they don't look Japanese. Unlike the U.S. there aren't many other nationalities in Japan and they are treated very differently. I don't want my girls to be singled out just because their different, that would just unfair to them.

So begins the great debate, but I have 3 years to figure it out I suppose.

Music Day.

2010-07-14T00:44:00.003-04:00

Enjoy!

If you're confused, congratulations you're not insane. If you've seen the series and still don't understand, congratulations, you're still sane. If it made perfect sense to you, I have some bad news...

Twilight Rant.

2010-07-08T22:20:00.005-04:00

I've been holding this in for a long time... *Note: contains foul language.*

Most of the time, my philosophy is that if someone likes something, no matter how good it is, it's their right to like it. You like B-movie horror movies, fine. You like this obscure science fiction series, that's fine too. The one time I will actively open my mouth, bad mouth something and its fans, is if it glorifies something awful and is aimed toward kids who don't know any better. Like my utter hatred of Micheal Bay, it's not cause of the ignoring of plot and glorification of SFX, but his blatant use of racism as comedy. These movies are made for kids, why do you want to tell kids that racial stereotypes are funny and to be mocked.

Anyways, I put Twilight into this same category. Teenage girls and *shudder* tween girls read these books, they watch these movies. This series glorifies all the things modern parents spend years trying to tell their daughters is wrong, but I'll get to that later.

I wouldn't rant about this series if it was just bad, but trust me, it's bad too. It ruins a generation of people who could enjoy GOOD Vampire stories. First, let me make this point VERY CLEAR to you:

YOU ARE READING/WATCHING, THIS WOMAN'S--
MASTURBATORY AID. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!? This woman (I refuse to call her an author), wrote down what she masturbates to! Sparkly vampires, men walking around without their shirts on, and the dreamy guys getting all crushy on some normal, plain looking girl who has exactly nothing special about her and nothing noteworthy to write home about.

Let's talk about plot. Nothing ever happens that could even be considered dramatic or anything other than teenage drama. There really isn't a fucking antagonist, there isn't any fucking character growth cause they stay the same throughout the entire fucking plot and there isn't any fucking point, to anything that is considered a fucking important plot point. Bella gets abandoned by Edward, she doesn't go after him, she just fucking mopes for almost an entire book. It's just pointless. When your entire story arc can be described in one sentence over multiple books, you have a plot problem.

The characters are just as dull and uninteresting. Bella, the protagonist is like what C3PO is to star wars. Almost the entire purpose of the character is for the audience to latch onto, their everyman. The person they can most identify with, to help ease them into a story about space. Bella has no personality, her entire personality and all her actions are based on what she thinks Edward wants. No as for the vampires and the werewolves, they are just as bland as Bella and there is no difference between each other.

I'm not just spouting out my ass here about the massive amount of problems with the story of this series. I fucking teach classes about this shit, my job in Japan is heavily related to working out stories. I'm trained to deal with this stuff, but there SHOULD be nothing a person can do with a story that is dull, characters that are flat and uninteresting. Yet many women claim it to be the best book ever.

I'm going to move on to the big issue for Twilight haters...

SPARKLES!
I think when people write their series based on older series. It's fine to change the mold a little. I think the idea that vampires would evolve to survive in sunlight is just fine, but sparkle? Really, fucking sparkling? From what I've read, it was an ability to draw in people so they can feast on them? Something like that.

Which just begs the question, would you be drawn to some pale guy glittering across the street from you? Or would you try to put as much distance between you and them. Then you have to consider someone sparkling 500 years ago. They would be killed for being demons.

HOW IS THIS A GOOD FUCKING TRAIT TO EVOLVE!?

Now I'm going to move onto, why this crosses that line from being bad and something I would ignore, but to something I actively despise. I said that this series provides horrible examples for young women and let me list off things that this series glorifies for young women:

- If he ignores you, pursue him!
- If he abuses you, it wasn't his fault, it was yours. You should beg him to take you back.
- You know that creepy guy from high school who raped some people? Keep him around, what harm could he do?
- Your life isn't complete without a man.
- Beg and plead with him for the rest of your life, he'll love you if you keep begging.
- If he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you, try and commit suicide, perhaps that will change his mind.
- Your whole life as a woman, is to make a man happy.

I mean, these are the kind of morals that stopped being accepted by modern Western culture during the early 60's. I don't want my daughters to grow up looking at her entire life, as just the buildup to meet that guy who treats her like shit. I don't think any parent of a girl wants that from their children, yet this series is telling girls, that this is what they need from life.

When you ask a Twitard why Twilight is good. I can guarantee that they will either quickly claim its a great love story or if they are smart they will hesitate to say this. Then ask them, "why?". Why is it better than all the great love stories in both literature and film? If they say, it's because Edward and Bella are drawn to each other, they have this special connection.

THEY WANT TO FUCK! THEY WANT TO FUCK! They are connected in no way other than that. They share no common views, no hobbies. Hell other than the fact they want to have sex, why would they even be together? Hey, it's just like your failed high school relationship, you know the one.

Look it all comes down to one simple statement.

"You shouldn't have to beg for love. If you are, it isn't love."

Little White Lies.

2010-07-05T15:48:00.002-04:00

The courting process is tricky in a relationship. Sometimes to further the process you tell a little white lie, that eventually gets figured out at a later point in the relationship. Like years down the line, where it really doesn't matter that much... Or you know... the honeymoon.

The Lie
Me: Do you hunt or fish at all?
Ashley: No, no. I don't want to hurt any poor animals. So no. No.

The Truth
Ashley totally enjoys hunting during the fall. She's been doing it since she was a little girl, which apparently she thought I might have a problem with, but I grew up in Minnesota, where 5 minutes outside of downtown Minneapolis, you'll see a hunting goods store. I grew up hunting and fishing, this was resolved about 2 minutes after the lie.

The Lie
Me: I've only ever dated a few girls.
Ashley: Did you... sleep with them?
Me: I'm going to be honest, just a few, of the few.

The Truth
I'm not going to tell the girl who I think I might spend the rest of my life with, that I was something of a man slut. The truth came about, with the introduction of my friends, who are a little bit of blabber mouths, including the ones that I "dated".

The Lie
Ashley: I think we (her and the ex) could be good friends when we sort this all out.

The Truth
She wanted to do such unspeakable things to her, that they cannot be mentioned in polite conversation.

The Lie
Ashley: Did you guys have a bachelor party.
Me: What? No. We just sat around and had some drinks.

The Truth
We went to a strip club. Multiple strip clubs in fact, then we went to Minnesota's largest sex shop. Sexworld. Ashley found out, about two days into the honeymoon. Yeah, she wasn't happy and she still isn't too happy about it.

Top 5 Movie Assholes.

2010-07-04T19:30:00.007-04:00

I wrote about villains recently, but there is a distinct difference between somebody who is inherently evil and someone who is, well, just a self serving asshole. These are my favorites.

5. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from "Full Metal Jacket"
Who better to play a drill sergeant, than a retired drill sergeant turned actor. He's like all schoolyard bullies wrapped into one human being, given power of dozens of people and who enjoys yelling and beating people. Maybe he's just doing his job, but you just know a guy like him really enjoys it.

4. Dennis Nedry from "Jurassic Park"
So you're in some debt, you take a computer job for an eccentric old man who brought dinosaurs back to life. Including the ones who would eat, slow, squishy, computer nerds like you. Then someone offers you some money to cause havoc on the island and steal some embryos and in the process unleash all kinds of carnivorous dinosaurs on everyone. You know, that might be enough to put him on this list, but did he have to have a computer program that taunts you? You know I still fail to see the logic behind taunting anyone. If you got safely off the island and did your asshole job. What if someone survives the island and tells people in charge what you did. You'll be in even worse trouble than before! ASSHOLE!

3. Dr. Rene Belloq from "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
Do you remember a person, who at your job would claim your hard work as theirs? I think we all know someone who did that. Now, did that person then sick angry natives and Nazis on you for trying to disprove their claims? Also hitting on your significant other and you know... being a weaselly little French man. Also, you know you could totally pin this guy down and just punch away all day, except for the fact that he's got big guys who are his friends.

2. Colin Sullivan from "The Departed"
Matt Damon is one of those actors who can make you so angry for being such a condescending little prick of a man. In this movie his character works for the police, but secretly works for the crime boss he's helping to track down. That's just kind of being an asshole, not anything really bad about that, movie wise. The he gets a bunch of people, including his boss killed cause he's a little wimp who can't stand up for himself. Also, he stabs a Chinese delivery man! Chinese food is good and he kills the people who deliver it to us! Not to mention a lot of his actions can be traced back to the fact that he can't get "it" up.

1. Carter Burke from "Aliens"
You know who are some of the most hated people in the world? The executives in charge of major companies that have their hands in just about everything. Burke is the embodiment of these kind of people and the low levels they go to, to get what they want done. In this case getting a woman and a small child infected by the Alien and using that Alien as a weapon. That's bad enough, but he initially comes off as a nice helpful guy. When the shit hits the fan though, his morals, are the company's morals and what's best for the company, is best for the world. Also, for kids of my generation this may have been our first R rated movie and that has a big impact on an American child.

To end this post, happy 4th of July for you Americans and for my one Canadian reader, happy belated Canada Day.

Special Review of Zoo by Ashley.

2010-07-02T22:15:00.001-04:00

Zoo is a documentary produced in 2007. Ashley likes to watch movies with me, especially documentaries, she really digs them and I try to indulge her. This is a somewhat scene by scene review by Ashley on a documentary she knew nothing about, but I knew, I knew... She luckily joined in about the 5 minute mark.

9 minutes in...
Movie: "We had been friends for 20 years, but now I'm not good enough because I loved the horses?"
Ashley: Wait, what is this about? This is just about horses right?

12 minutes in...
Movie: "Some reason, it just happened one day and I kind of liked it--"
Ashley: Horses RIGHT!?
*Man pours cup of coffee in movie.*
Movie"--I didn't even know it was zoophilia until I got onto the internet."
Ashley: AHHH! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?
Me: Hehehe...

14 minutes in...
Movie: "Grab a horse by its nuts and feel his balls. They feel... Warm."
Ashley: Why would you do that!?

22 minutes in...
Movie: "It was like, hey, lets go out and pester the animals."
Me: Is it alright if I pester you a little bit tonight?
*She glares at me and crosses her arms.*

56 minutes in...
Ashley: This is actually really good. Not the content of course, but the lives and the stories are all so interesting. Especially about this miniature culture these people developed, together, separated from the world that would chastise them. I'm really starting to like this.
Movie: "This miniature horse all of a sudden galloped up to the big horse and started giving him a blow job."
Ashley: GOD DARN IT MOVIE!

1 hour and 10 minutes film ends...
Movie: "I'm right on the edge of being able to understand their feelings..."
Ashley: You know this is a great documentary, because it takes something disturbing and makes it... Almost tender in a sense.
Me: So you're saying you are up for some pestering?
*She pushes me away laughing.*
Ashley: Maybe later.

This documentary does not show anything more than you would see in a rated R movie. There's a lot of people who won't watch it cause they think its graphic. While in all reality it's just anonymous interview audio, dubbed over actors playing their parts.

Top 5 TV Shows.

2010-07-01T17:10:00.005-04:00

These are my favorite TV shows ever. Shows that I follow like a religion and just love to death.

5. How I Met Your Mother.
Following the mold left by "Friends", this show puts new twists on the 5 friend group that so many other sitcoms have failed at over the years since. It also plays off the fact that the problems and situations that they find themselves in, are exaggerated retellings of what most normal American friends go through. Also, you cannot overlook that this show has taken small cultural jokes and made them huge. My favorite episode being where they show that Marshall goes to a Minnesota themed bar, only for displaced Minnesotans and that they all claim that the 1998 NFC Championship is the most tragic story in Minnesota history. It's all very creepy that they somewhat nail down Minnesotan culture a few times in the show. A good example, that I thought of is that they show that New York is absolutely scared of how cold 30 degrees is. While Marshall from Minnesota is walking around in a t-shirt. Seriously all you East coasters declaring it cold when its 30 degrees are babies. We have that kind of weather during baseball season, SUCK IT UP!

4. 30 Rock.
I like shows about the industry I work in. I know many people who are writers on TV shows and since they have writers, writing and acting in it. It makes it all the more enjoyable for me and shows the public a slightly exaggerated look into the world of television writing and just screenwriting. Actors not wanting to follow what's on the script and executives trying to change every little aspect of the script. Also, one cannot forget how awesome Alec Baldwin is as a comedic actor and with all-star cameos from actors, it just makes it all the better.

3. Futurama.
Futurama does what The Simpsons did to the modern American family. It jokes at modern culture and beliefs, by mocking how even more outlandish they become 1000 years in the future. Creatively made characters, some of the best voice actors in America and situational comedy that almost borders on absurdist comedy. Unlike The Simpsons and Family Guy, from what I've seen, the show has not dropped its quality in recent years like so many others. After it was canceled, they released 4 genuinely funny and just as creative feature length movies. It's regaining popularity and has just started its sixth season on Comedy Central.

2. Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Best. Science Fiction. Show. Ever. Awesome.

1. Agatha Christie's Poirot.
I've said before I was introduced to Agatha Christie at a young age and she is still one of my favorite writers. There have been many movies about Hercule Poirot, but I don't think they compare to the British series. All of the episodes and now made-for-tv movies are based on her original novels and short stories starring the plump Belgium detective. Just like her originals, the stories draw you in to the plot and mystery until the very end. Where Poirot gathers all the suspects in a room and unveils how all the things shown in the episode all slowly wind their way down to the truth. David Suchet plays Poirot better than anyone, I'd say that he was born to play the role. When I re-read the books, in my mind he is the Poirot I imagine. There is also a bit of lighthearted comedy scattered about, including the British people always thinking he is French cause he speaks French and he always corrects them by telling them that he is from Belgium, not France. I love this series so much that I'm re-watching an episode as I write this.

Damaged Goods.

2010-07-01T00:57:00.002-04:00

I am someone that the term, "damaged goods" adequately fits. I hate to constantly go back to my childhood, but despite some of the antics that I describe on this blog from time to time, my childhood was far from fun. It's hard for a lot of people to understand what being ignored almost completely as a child does to someone. Then the only time that someone ever gave attention was in anger and the such. It makes you distrust many people, an example of this would be that I have a few friends and many acquaintances. I don't connect with many people, but I put on a smile and wonder if anyone would really notice if I left a party early.

I was reluctantly popular and for a lot of the time that kids would be partying, having fun, I felt like staying at home, alone. Of course in public I have to be nice, polite and some people would believe that I'm charming. I don't want to be charming, I really don't want to be anything.

This also crosses over to when I was dating, mostly physical and I never really wanted to make connections. Also I was horribly terribly at anything possibly resembling an actual serious relationship.

Then of course after a downswing in my life, I met and married a wonderful girl from Wisconsin. Was welcomed into her family as one of their own and soon started to raise my very own little family. A family that I don't ever feel like separating myself from them, but then again...

Ashley: Oh you're my little fixer-upper of a bad boy, who was healed by my love.
Me: I'm not all that bad, your mom really liked me when we first met.
Ashley: That's cause you've been well trained.
*pats me on head*
Ashley: And don't think about doing your little disappearing act tonight. We're having dinner with your cousin tonight. You've been putting it off since we got here and I got dinner all planned.
Me: I don't disappear, I simply... What's another word for disappear that doesn't sound so horrible?

My Top 5 Movie Villains.

2010-06-27T00:25:00.009-04:00

I'm just going to be upfront and tell you Darth Vader is not on the list. If the trilogy had stayed a trilogy, I would have kept him on here. Now all I can see is the whiny little bastard underneath the armor. Also, like a lot of things this list tends to change by what movies I've seen. Expect at least one you haven't heard of before. I'll tell you though, numbers 1-3 don't change very often, the 4 and 5 spot change a lot more often.

5. Heath Ledger as The Joker
I'm a huge comic fan and it's hard to imagine anyone doing the character justice as they are in the comics. Heath Ledger is probably as close as I have or will ever see again. A lot of actors just play him as a laughing madman, while he is so much more. A character whose actions, motives and speech comes from a mind just as twisted as they come. Of course the laugh is important, on that scale I would put him second only to Mark Hamill, who did it best. I'm sure most of you can attest to how great a performance of that character was done by the late Heath Ledger.

4. Cristoph Waltz as Colonel Hans Landa
Making a Nazi character even more evil than what we already think a Nazi is, is just plain hard. Making that character who smiles, is charming and yet does the most horrible things, is even harder. The character was brilliantly designed, acted and shown. Even in the most tense of scenes, he has that shit-eating grin on his face. I don't follow the Academy Awards, but when Cristoph Waltz was nominated, I wanted him to win and he did. How many villains make the scene more tense, just by his mere presence in that scene. He's laid back and suave, all to just hide how threatening and evil he really is.

3. Dennis Price as Louis Mazzini
The movie Kind Hearts and Coronets is a little know British film from 1949 starring Dennis Price and Alec Guinness who plays 8 different roles in the film, including a woman. Price plays a bastard child of a wealthy noble British family. His goal is to kill all the people who stand between him and the family name and title. He may be the villain by killing Obi-wan 8 times, but in the end you cheer for him. He's all you want in a gentleman villain, class, style and smarts. He's fun to watch and even more fun to see him kill people in sometimes ridiculously hilarious ways.

2. Daniel Day-Lewis as Bill the Butcher
A good way to describe Bill the Butcher is that he is a shifty-eyed, evil planning, murdering bastard... But! He's our shifty-eyed, evil planning, murdering bastard. Daniel Day-Lewis can play the most wonderful hero, but he excels at playing the worst of the worst. Just looking at the guy and hearing him talk, you would not hesitate to think that he would eat a puppy if he had the opportunity. Yet he is given depth, an old man, too old to be doing what he does for a living, but he believes, he is the only one who can do what he does. Also... TOP HAT! *whee*

1. Louise Fletcher as Nurse Ratched
EVIL BAD LADY! BAD! Such an evil villain, dressed up as a person who cares for the sick, that's just evil. Not many villains can be hailed as the poster child for, oppression of freedom, corruption of power and just being a mean lady! MEAN!

I know I'm leaving out some, like Hans Gruber, Hannibal Lector, Hal 9000, the Terminator and things like that. I love them all, but what can I say, I love some more than others. Also one of these villains appears in one of my all-time favorite movies. Can you guess which?

Stories From Childhood 3: Talent.

2010-06-26T22:51:00.004-04:00

Oh yeah, I can juggle, fairly well actually. I can do up to five balls with some misses and 4 balls with none. I can also do four glass cups, just not any of the fancy tricks with those, the wife would kill me. I found that when bored, it really helps burn the time away and it draws a crowd sometimes.

It all started when I was 8 and my third grade class was partially in charge of the school's booth at the Renaissance Fair of Minnesota. Which is one of the largest in the world. Usually it was an excuse to either get free admission to the fair and more for the girls, dress up in period clothing that we rented out. I wanted to do something special, so I wouldn't just be another kid dressed up in the middle of summer.

So my Uncle taught me to juggle, which he learned as a teenager. Started coordination with one ball, then two and with enough practice by the time the fair came up, I was doing three fairly well. Not that anyone ended up seeing as I got sick that year and didn't end up going the week I signed up for.

So as I grew up I slowly kept practicing, till I could do all three balls, without even thinking about it. Then I tried tricks, I learned a few simple ones involving height and hand placement, but once you get the rhythm going the rest gets easier.

I was 14 when I added the fourth, it took awhile cause your hands are so used the speed needed for 3, that shifting is harder. It's like teaching someone to drive stick, who has been driving for years and only now is learning to drive stick.

Long story short, I eventually moved up to five, but that's a bitch and I don't have the time to go any further. Also, I so could be a trick pouring bartender with these moves. I can't do the bottles, but I'm so on the pint glasses.

It certainly makes for a good conversation starter and Ashley's family, especially my niece really loves seeing me do it. It's also something completely pointless that I learned as a child that makes me a cool dad...

Or a DILF if you prefer that.

Stories from Childhood 2: Rebel Without any Pants.

2010-06-25T01:33:00.004-04:00

You know, my crazy ex, the one from the last post, well our families have always been really close. We grew up more like cousins or distant siblings than friends. A sad, but true fact of life is that love and hate share a shaky border with each other. Another fact is that girls mature much faster than boys. While girls are taking their first step toward woman-hood, boys are still contemplating if we can make that sweet jump over the rose bush on our bikes. Then again, lets be honest guys, a part of us still is thinking that. Just replace rose bush with school bus/fire ring/shark infested waters and replace bike, with family car.

So my older brother, the one that shall not be named, is about 15 years older than I am. My crazy ex's sister is about 12 years older. She was driving the two of us to a movie when the conversation about this being a date came up. Oh, we were about 11, sorry for skipping that part. Now being kids we were both denying it, me a lot more earnestly. Her older sister knew my brother, they grew up almost like siblings, just never got romantically involved.

In the vast amount of excuses and denials about the date, my ex said, "I would never date him! He's a big troublemaker!" Or something along those lines.

The the older sister said something like this:
Then she drifted on about how hot my brother was as a teenager. *shudder* *Note: My brother and I share a creepy likeness.*

The retort from the girl sitting right next to me was, "Nothing dashing about getting stuck in a storm drain and having to walk home without any pants."

Yeah, so what? You want to fight about it?

I got stuck in a storm drain, which is a story I've already told. It involved a homemade raft, the Minnehaha creek and the raft floating into a sewer and me having to abandon ship and wade back to shore. What I didn't say was that my pants kind of went with the current after being torn off by a stick, but I handled it like a man. I strode my way home in the middle of the day, with only boxers on. I must say from what I remember, it was actually quite nice to feel the breeze in a new amazing way.

Then I snuck into my room to hide my shame from my mom and forget that pair of pants ever existed.

Am I the only noticing that a lot of my treasured memories end with me being either half naked or completely naked?

Stories from Childhood 1: First Kiss.

2010-06-23T14:35:00.000-04:00

I think writing about my childhood is good for me, like healing for how incredibly stupid I was. I am taking a page out of Frank's book.

Minnesota is the birthplace and capital of all malls. Southdale, approximately 2 miles away from where I grew up, was the first mall in the world. Bloomington, Minnesota is home to the United States and formally the World's largest mall, Mall of America (though they are expanding). As a child the MOA was like it's own, more bad ass city. They had all the cool restaurants, a 14 screen movie theater and a freaking indoor amusement park. At the time the amusement park was named after Minnesota's own Snoopy, "Camp Snoopy" but now it's *shudder* Nickelodeon Universe. Many Minnesotan's my age reject this change of name.

It was August in 1997, my friends and I were only 10, but were told that we were old enough to fend for ourselves in the giant MOA. So the parents bought our all you can ride wristbands, gave us some spending money and pretty much abandoned us to our fates. Remember, this is before kids carried around cell phones and if we got in trouble, oh the world would know about it.

I went with my two best friends, one guy and one girl. The guy to this day is still my best friend and is considering moving to Georgia to live near us. The girl was my first real girlfriend and would later become my crazy ex-girlfriend and mortal enemy to Ashley. I'm not joking, those two are like a mongoose and cobra. Trust me dear readers, I'm totally not worth fighting over and I think it's silly... and hot.

Back to the story, so we pretty much had a day that would have killed anyone over the age of 12. We were tired, but we still had 2 and a half hours before the authority figures would show up. So we went to the movie, which was Men in Black, we had all seen it before, but we had money to burn. So we went to the show, no one else was in it, so we had the theater to ourselves. As kids we were immature and all decided to sit in different seats all around the theater and toss around a ball we had.

We eventually settled down and watched the movie from our separate seats. The ex walked over to sit next to me, who happened to be behind my best friend. Where she planted a kiss that as I grew up, you could tell the person giving had no idea what to do.

"Well?" She said as she swept back her long red hair.

"I need to go to the bathroom." I said sheepishly as I stood up. Then I ran, dear readers, I ran cause I had been holding in probably the equivalent of 4 liters of various kinds of pop and probably half that of ICEEs.

I was not an elegant child.

Opportunities.

2010-06-23T00:55:00.002-04:00

I work in Georgia Fall-Spring and during the Summer I pack up the family and move them to Tokyo. I work all year long with a large company that partly deals with media in Japan, so they have their hands in a lot of pies. So I get some decent company benefits for me and the family. Like I get to meet pop stars and actors on a regular basis and you know, discuss things.

And... *Epic non-disclosure agreement stoppage* So that's what I do.

As I happen to be a "nice looking young man" and I speak fluent English with little accent, except for the Minnesota thing. Ask somebody you know raised in Minnesota to say the word, "roof." I generally get asked to help...

*eyes non-disclosure agreement.*

Certain English speaking individuals about certain things, that may or may not involve certain other things.

I recently got the chance to attend E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo), the world's largest video game trade show in the world. As a spokesperson for other people, about things. I was hyped, E3 had become an industry and press only event and not open to the public. I declined though, for a few different reasons, though I really wanted to go.

I just think having time to spend with my new family and not taking a 12 hour flight is more important to me right now...

---------------------------------

In other family news, you may know that Ashley and I speak a few languages fluently. Ashley of course has English, but also French and German. I really just add Japanese to the whole mix. We spend a good 3 months in Japan nowadays, so we try to teach the girls who are picking up new words everyday each language. With English and Japanese taking precedent. So yesterday I walk into their bedroom where Katie is still taking her nap, but Ami is on her feet screaming something.

"LA VACHE! LA VACHE!"

So I calm her down and go look up what she was saying in French. She was screaming, "THE COW! THE COW!" I proceeded to take Ashley aside and inquire.

"Why are my little girls screaming in French about cows?"
"I have no idea."

Something is going on in this house when I'm not around and I don't know what, but it involves a French cow. Hmm...

The Talk.

2010-06-21T22:59:00.002-04:00

Ashley and I started dating with a blind date and kept it fairly casual for awhile. Then as the Winter holidays were approaching Ashley grew worried. She wanted to bring someone to her family get together and I was the first boyfriend she had. She really wanted to know what this relationship meant to the both of us.

So we went out to a movie and a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite places. I was driving her back to her parent's house late at night and I stopped by the guest house of her parent's place, where she was living (She moved there since she started college, not for any personal reasons). She turned to me and addressed the situation.

She outlined that she was not the kind of girl to date just for fun, but wanted a serious relationship and she was wondering what I felt about that. I smiled, told her I needed a little time to think about that. Kissed her goodnight, drove off and...

Promptly disappeared for a week.

I mean literally, I rarely came back to my apartment and was nearly impossible to reach for that week. My phone was off and I didn't really respond to texts unless it was an emergency.

Ashley was freaking out, she thought I was maybe breaking up with her. Then as the week went on she consulted three married members of her family about her dilemma. These are close enough to the responses she got from them.

Her Dad: Wait, who are you dating again?

Her Mom: Oh I'm sure everything is fine, maybe he just got busy with work, or school.

The third one was told to me by my sister-in-law who has a nearly photographic memory.
Ashley: Do you think it's because I didn't put out?
Sister: Okay, just a few things. When I answer the phone, a "hello" would be nice. Also, I'm sure you're over thinking things too much and lastly, men tend to disappear like that.
Ashley: Did yours?
Sister: Yeah, turned out he would just sit in the garage at his place and fix those old motorcycles without telling anyone. He still does it nowadays, except now I lock him in there.

As you can tell she was worried. She had never had a boyfriend before and was worried that either I wasn't the guy that she thought I was, or she did something wrong by bringing it up. Now this could have all been fixed by either:

1. Talking to my roommate.
2. Remembering what I told her when we went out to dinner.

It was my last week in my last class for my Filmmaking degree and I still had some shooting left to do, not to mention all the sound editing and film editing. The downtime that was spent getting the film developed and transferred to a digital medium, was spent finishing my Screenwriting final for that year as well. Little sleep and I spent most of my time at school working.

I of course found out during that week that I really missed Ashley. That after years of being, well, too available. I wanted a serious relationship, so when I gave her a call a week later asking her if she wanted to catch some dinner.

I got yelled at, then there was some crying, then we went to a pizza place for dinner, where she ate twice her body weight. That's when the relationship became more serious and about a month later she moved in with me.

Then you guys know the rest, got engaged, moved to Georgia, two doggies, married, pregnant, twin girls and now living our summers in Japan.

I feel old now. I'm going to go play Uncharted 2 now and giggle that I have a rocket launcher with unlimited ammo.

Shopping for Movies Online With Brian.

2010-06-20T23:45:00.004-04:00

*Excerpts from a recent shopping visit to Amazon.com for movies, especially Blu-rays.* As transcribed by Ashley, the loving wife.

"Huh, what this?... Trade-ins... AHAHAHAHA! An HD-DVD trade-in averages out to like 30 cents. God, glad I didn't jump on that fucking bandwagon."

"OOOOO! Master and Commander for 10 dollars"
First purchase made.

"Oh nice, Moon for 15 dollars!"
Second purchase.

"Mel Brooks boxed Blu-ray set so nice, 9 movies. Oh god, but why does it have to have such a shitty, shitty display box. The thing probably won't fit in either of my book shelves back in the States. I HATE YOU SO MUCH MGM!..."

10 seconds later.

"I'm sorry for insulting you MGM, you know me, I get a little carried away sometimes. LIKE WHEN YOU MAKE THE BOX TWICE THE FUCKING SIZE OF A DVD BOX! GAH!"

"I'd buy all those movies separately, but a few aren't available yet... GOD!"

Various storming around the house, then because he's sick, massive coughing and wheezing.

"Really, The Relic is on Blu-ray? God I remember wanting to see that so badly as a 10 year old, but then I saw it when I was 20 and I felt sad for an entire day."

Goes off on some tangent about B Horror movies.

"Why the fuck isn't Wishmaster on Blu-ray damnit!"

"God, Total Recall, if I already didn't own you, I'd buy you all over again."

"Ah, fuck it cause you want it, I'll buy Tropic Thunder... and cause I want it."
Third and final purchase.

I was too lazy to sign into my own account to make this post on the blog so I made him do it. It may sound like he's talking to me, but except for the last one, he's talking to himself. Also for anyone who thinks this is the reason our twin girls say the F-word a lot, it's not. They were on a walk with their Aunt when this happened.

Also I apologize to all the female readers (if there are any of you left), that have to deal with him.

Conversations with the Wife 3: First Blood.

2010-06-18T22:40:00.002-04:00

I'm lazy, sick and bored. Time to document my marriage again.

While watching "The Protector" (2005)
Ashley: So let me get this straight.
Me: Alright.
A: The evil martial arts gangster guy just so happens to look exactly like you. Dresses like you, has the same creepy beard like you--
Me: Hey!
A: Sorry, cute beard. He also seems to act like you.
Me: How so?
A: No matter what mood you're in you come off like a creepy guy hitting on a girl at a bar. That's not such a bad thing, you did get me.
*She gets up to get a drink.*
Me: Hey!

I also found out I'm sick on the weekend I had fun stuff planned.
Me: I'm sick.
A: Oh come here, I'll make it all better.
Me: Mmm...
A: Brian get your head out of shirt.

First blood caused by asking the dumbest question ever.
Me: How long have we been married again?
*shocked silence followed by a swift punch in the arm.*
Me: OWW!... I think it's bleeding.
A: Liar.
Me: I think your ring got caught on my band-aid and re-opened the cut (subway incident).
A: Let me take a look... OH GOD I'M SORRY!

We've been married nearly 2 years, I just couldn't get it into my sick addled brain that August 2008 to June 2010 is nearly 2 years. I know, I'm stupid.

Conversation with Grandpa Part 1.

2010-06-14T22:01:00.003-04:00

I got a call from my Grandfather in Naha, Japan. Who thanked me for the gift of a few DVDs I gave him, including some Kurosawa films and the Bourne Trilogy, I have no idea why he likes those movies, being an elderly Japanese man. I also hesitantly sent him a copy of Letters from Iwo Jima. I had heard in the past that whenever my mom would ask him about the war he would shut up and not talk about it. I hear from my Aunt that lately he has been telling many war stories and I thought he might enjoy a film from the prospective of a Japanese soldier and he did. So much so that our conversation turned into something of an impromptu interview. It may read like I'm just writing to myself, but that's what happens when you translate from memory.

Me: I forget, how many siblings did you have?
Gramps: I had 5 siblings, 2 younger sisters and 3 older brothers.

Me: Did your brothers also fight in the war?
G: My eldest brother was an officer stationed in China before and during the war. He returned to Nara (my Grandpa's original family home) after the war, never married, no children, he was 10 years older than I was and very anti-social. My brothers thought he was only in the military because of our father being a very well respected officer in the army. My second eldest brother was a pilot who was killed in action somewhere over China. My third eldest brother was in the navy, he died somewhere in the Pacific just a year after Pearl Harbor.

Me: What did you do in the war?
G: By the middle of 1944 I was drafted at the age of 17. My mother was very sad, but at the same time had to at least pretend to be honored by the governments choice. I always thought she was more sad than anything, she had already lost two sons in the war. Sadly she never did get to see me survive the war, my sisters wrote me telling me she had died of a heart attack. I got a little off track, this brings back all kinds of memories when you talk about it, your grandmother used to be the only one I told these things to. Anyways, I was stationed in Okinawa at the start of 1945 to repel the incoming invasion. Many of my friends from home were also there...

Me: Were you honored to fight for your country?
G: More scared than anything. I felt angry at America for the death of my brothers, but at the same time the great propaganda machine had me completely terrified of the Americans. Like most of my friends we never spoke out loud about this stuff, cause that would lead to punishment.

Me: What was the fighting like?
G: My memory isn't too great about the fighting, nor do I want to remember what it was like. When I was younger I would just blank out for periods of time after the war. I do remember some things, my best friend was shot in the leg and who was taken into a cave full of the wounded, that I later found out had collapsed in an explosion. The group of soldiers I were with thankfully did not succumb to the mass suicides that were going on all around us. I did watch a few Banzai charges that left everyone dead and towards the end I could hear many grenade pops during the night of men killing themselves. There were only a few of us left and we tried to make it back to the main force of the army when we were captured.

Me: What was it like being captured?
G: Terrifying, ever since the war started I heard horror stories about how Americans would torture us to death if we surrendered. It became important that we die quickly than be captured by the enemy, cause they would do such horrible things to us. We were all scared, at best we were thinking after marching us back toward their camps that we would be lined up against a wall and shot. Which turned out to be just a fantasy. None of us had eaten much in over a week, we were skinny and dehydrated. They gave us food, water, and a very nice man even gave all of us some tobacco. That is one of the reasons I hold no resentment to the American people for the war, that is why I didn't say anything when your mom decided to marry a big oaf of an American. Nor when you decided to marry an American.

Edit: Sorry I forgot that I'm splitting this into two parts.

Top 5 Anime Credits.

2010-06-14T13:26:00.003-04:00

In many opening or ending credits in anime, they use a pop song, sung by one of the actresses in the anime. Some of them become very popular pop hits and the singers become very popular, pop singers. Here are my current favorite 5.

#5 Rurouni Kenshin Opening #1

The series started in Japan when I was a child and I watched most of it over there. I really enjoyed it cause a lot of the characters were based on real life samurai, but totally fictionalized. Since the time period is 10 years after the Boshin War and many of these people either died during or right after the war.

#4 The Ending of Season 1 of School Rumble

School Rumble has quite possibly the most complex love triangle, square, pentagon, some shape with lots of sides, like over 20. Almost all of the characters have something interesting about themselves, like one of the players in the whole love shape, is a plate of curry. It also takes a poke at almost all the weird things of anime. And if you thought I was lying about the theme songs becoming major pop hits...

#3 Paranoia Agent Opening

Paranoia agent is one of the weirdest and creepiest animes out there. It is also a work of art and a very well done series with something to say about modern Japanese culture.

#2 Bleach Opening #6

Something I can't stand when big series like Bleach make it over to the States is they most often replace or get rid of the real opening sequence. Now I don't watch Bleach anymore, it's a lot about the fact that I'm sick of filler episodes, so I just read the manga.

#1 Soul Eater Opening #1

I juat really like this one. Story-wise it's a lot like Bleach, but more comedy and better fighting scenes.

Movies I Haven't Seen.

2010-06-14T00:26:00.002-04:00

Yet another list of movies people will hate me for not seeing and/or not liking. I watch a ton of movies, it's part of my job/s, but I can never get around to these, or I don't want to get around to them.

- Any of the Back to the Future movies.
- I never got around to them as a child and I'm finding that I'm not all that interested as an adult. Everyone is going to hate me for this one.

- The Neverending Story.
- I watched about half of it as a child, got bored. Watched Aliens instead.

- Avatar.
- I talked about this once, I have no plans to see this movie in the foreseeable future.

- The English Patient.
- I don't want to take 3 hours of my life to watch someone die, that I know I won't care about.

- Field of Dreams.
- I love baseball, but I hate Kevin Costner.

- Dances with Wolves.
- What did I just say!?

- Labyrinth.
- Honestly, I don't know why. I love David Bowie, but something about it as a child turned me off from it.

- Any movie based off a Philip K. Dick story that isn't Blade Runner or Total Recall.
- Many different reasons. The main one being that none of them stick to close to the source material that I really enjoy and I don't want to tarnish that. I might see a movie based off of "Autofac" if someone makes it.

Gift From Dad.

2010-06-12T19:55:00.002-04:00

My Dad and I don't have a lot in common, nor do we even get along. Memories of kicked in doors, broken bones, bruises and all that wonderful emotional scarring that keeps me up all night. We always did share one thing a love of sports, especially Minnesota sports teams. The Minnesota Twins, the Minnesota Vikings, and the Minnesota Wild.

No, the Minnesota Timberwolves don't exist and I refuse to acknowledge their existence until either they start winning games, draft somebody decent for once and/or trade the rights to Ricky Rubio that little Spanish fart.

Moving on...

I received a package from the homeland (Minneapolis, Minnesota) from my dad. In it I found such amazing things.

- A program from a game at the new stadium Target Field.
- A Twins baseball cap for me, I haven't had one in years.
- Two little girl sized Minnesota Twins jerseys, which are big enough to last them at least a few years, one Mauer and one Morneau.
-A written promise to take his only grand children to a game (he has season tickets).
- A signed baseball in a case, signed by Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau, he says he already has one and is giving me one.

This disturbing outpouring of gifts can mean many things.
- He's dying.
- Mom is dying.
- I'm dying, not sure how he would know before me.
- One of my siblings is dying.
- He's retiring and getting bored.
- He doesn't want to be like his dad.

I'm so confused.

My Favorite War Movies.

2010-06-09T16:50:00.003-04:00

The list is not a top 5, but separated by war in chronological descending order, except for the last category.

Gulf War (1990-91).
Three Kings
While in all sincerity this is barely a war movie. Mainly cause it takes place after the cease fire was signed and it was essentially the clean-up period. It would be more accurate to call it a heist movie that just so happens to take place during a war. It's one of the most entertaining movies on this list. It also approaches not only the subject matter, but the story with its own light hearted comedy. I know most of you have probably seen it already, but if one of you hasn't, do so.

Vietnam War (1959-75).
Now you can't talk about the Vietnam War without mentioning the Big Three, "Platoon," "Apocalypse Now" and...

Full Metal Jacket.
Stanley Kubrick's take on a war movie. Full of genius symbolism, eye gushing visuals and probably the most foul mouthed movie soldiers. With an underlying theme about sending our young adults, who are in all reality, more like children into war. I love this movie so much, I own three different copies in various formats. While it is not considered most people's favorite Vietnam movie, Apocalypse Now takes that prize. It is my favorite.

World War II (1939-45) Pacific Theater.
Letters From Iwo Jima
Made at the same time as Flags of our Fathers, it's an American produced, Japanese acted film. It's gritty visuals work well with the rarely seen War movie that has more human heart and emotion than most others. It also does something that few war movies do, it humanizes the soldiers that were on the losing/evil side. It's not only about the battle, but also about the character's lives before the battle. It also culminates in one of the most tear jerking finales to a war movie on this list.

Also another truly great movie in the same vein, is Tora! Tora! Tora! Also see the final section for my last selection.

World War II (1939-45) European and African Theater.
Patton
In my mind the quintessential American War movie from all perspectives. In other words it's about kicking ass, taking names and blowing up some Germans. Also, it has an underlying current of a sincere character study plot. Patton a man who is at his worst off the battlefield and at his best on it. I must also mention if you have not seen it George C. Scott's portrayal of Patton is one of the greatest acting performances in American film history. It's really something to behold.

Band of Brothers.
It's not a movie, it's a mini-series. Most people would have put Saving Private Ryan first on this list, I care to disagree. I always find that in most war movies a story is much more stunning if you know it was based on real life people and events. Also, no other movie or mini-series has ever in my minds made the brotherhood of soldiers and the horrors of battle more real. With personal stories of real men, real heroes.

World War I (1914-18)
All Quiet on the Western Front
No, I'm not talking about the original, which is a very good movie. The 1979 made for TV movie was the one I really fell in love with. Just like the original it conveyed the message that war changes people, maybe sometimes not for the better. I think the 79 version just has more production value behind it, better looking battlefields and in a few cases, better acting.

See the last section for another pick.

Civil War (1861-65)
Gettysburg
Of course again, not the first choice of many critics, that honor goes to Glory. The thing that Gettysburg has over Glory is the depiction of battle. The producers hired thousands of Civil War reenactors to play the opposing sides. It shows that these extras know what they're doing and know the history in and out. Great acting, some of the best battle scenes I've seen and good dialogue if you can get past some of the weird speech-esque dialogue. It depicts one of the most famous and emotional moments in American Military History. The 20th Maine and their battle on the Little Round Top. Though they do kind of ignore the heroic sacrifice of the 1st Minnesota Infantry. This is one of those movies that I always come back to, cause I enjoy it so much.

Bakumatsu Period and The Boshin War (Japanese Civil War )(1853-69)
Mibu Gishi Den AKA When the Last Sword is Drawn.
The Bakumatsu Period in Japanese history is when the people of Japan started to rebel against the reigning Tokugawa Shogunate who had ruled Japan for 300 years of peace, but refused to interact with Western powers and became isolationist. Finally after years of assassinations (btw the last great period in Ninja history), all out fighting started in 1868. That's right people were getting assassinated for 15 years before fighting broke out. Also they weren't getting shot, they were, in one famous case, getting their heads cut off by a sword in the street in the middle of the day.

Anyways, I got off on a tangent. The story of the movie follows Saito Hajime a real life samurai and a fictional samurai from the dying days of the Shinsengumi. The Tokugawa Shogunate's private military police force. In other words, they were the ones kicking in the doors and cutting people up. Saito Hajime both in real life and in the movie, was a smart, calculating man who was well known for his fighting abilities and his gift for killing people. It's a period piece with a lot of what you expect, great costumes and locations. Just look up the Shinsengumi uniform, it's awesome. Since I know not a lot of you have seen it, so I'm not going to ruin it for you.

Prisoners of War Movies
This post is getting long, gonna shorten down this part a little.

La Grande Illusion
A World War I movie without the war. It's about French prisoners of war while being held by the Germans. In reality it's more about class struggles and identities in the early 20th century.

Empire of the Sun
The least well known Steven Spielberg movie about a young boy and his life in a Japanese internment camp in China. I actually do prefer it to Schindler's List, but that's just me. It also stars Christian Bale when I think he was only 10.

So what do you think about my favorites? What are some of yours?

My Name.

2010-06-04T16:52:00.002-04:00

I kind of told a little white lie a long time ago. I told you all that my name was "Brian Arakaki." While that is true now, that is my legal name since 2008. Since Arakaki is my mother's maiden name and no longer is her name. From 1987 to 2008 I used the name my parents gave me and that I absolutely hated.

My name was "Brian Johnson Jr."

I was named after my father. The man who verbally and occasionally physically abused my sisters and me. He is the main reason that I have so much trouble just having a good nights sleep, ever since I was young. I always thought that my name made me a walking target to my father and that I was always living in his massive shadow.

Not only did that name carry bad memories for me, but it pointed me out as that man's son. I have never wanted to be put in the same category as him. So the name had to go.

Why so Angry?

2010-06-03T20:32:00.003-04:00

Here's a little known fact about me, I have a raging, raging anger problem. The paternal side of my family all have anger problems. It could be that up until my generation we were Scotch-Irish, though that's leaning toward pretty stereotypical. Or you know, the abuse thing. My paternal grandfather was a very angry man, especially after the war. Though my uncle says their Grandpa was much worse and he didn't have any war to make him angry.

For whatever the reason, I have some serious anger problems. Thankfully I have some very good ways of relieving that anger.

- Martial arts does wonders, as long as the other person is wearing pads.
- Silently seething in a dark room and drinking, while Ashley is asleep.
- Watching "Hell's Kitchen" I actually find that an angry British chef yelling at stupid people calms me down. Especially if my anger arises from stupid people.
- Yelling at strangers.

Though I have vowed to Ashley many times that no matter what happens I will never take my anger out on her, or the twins. That is a promise that I never intend on breaking. Unless they turn into zombies as per our marriage vows.

Now here is a small list of things that cause lots of anger in me and are slightly more entertaining than just being angry at stupid people for being stupid.

- Cherry Coke. I like Coke and I used to like Cherry Coke, up until I started working in a movie theater. What is the most often requested drink at the movie theater besides Diet Coke? CHERRY COKE! Now that doesn't make sense, if Diet Coke is more requested, why do I hate Cherry so much? Cause when you use a fountain to pour it, for whatever chemical reason, it fizzes twice as much as any other kind. So you're constantly pouring out the suds until it fills up. Now when you have a lot of other stuff to do, spending 30 seconds filling a damn cup is annoying. Also in the fountains we used, there were two noses for Coke, two for Diet Coke, one for Sprite, Mello Yellow, and Fruit Punch, but also only ONE for Cherry Coke. It was a mad rush for an open nozzle and I'm still pissed.

- Bikers who bike in the car lanes and don't move for traffic. I can't be the only one who has a problem with assholes with their biker shorts thinking they can go just as fast as cars, thus don't have to move. I live on a one lane road in Georgia and there are a lot of bikers, it hurts I get so angry sometimes.

- Care Bears. I'm not going to explain this one, I'll just tell you that Ashley has a Care Bear stuffed toy and I saw it pretty early on when we were dating. I was seriously considering slowing the relationship down a notch, then I realized Ashley was super hot and that solves a lot of problems right there.

As for the stupid people doing stupid things anger. I have one thing to say, that someone else has once said...

"Just take the warning labels off of everything and let natural selection do its work."

Japan.

2010-06-01T21:07:00.002-04:00

Here are some highlights of the summer move to Japan and working.

- The twins have taken this whole transition in stride. They don't seem to really care, except for the time difference.
- The dogs after sniffing their entire home, are troubled by the fact that their home is constantly high up in the sky and their is not huge yard to run around.
- The cat simply exists in its own world.
- Our first day here Ashley bought an armful of recommended Japanese novels to improve her Japanese.
- She is also getting tired that merchants who see a blue eyed, blonde haired girl and her equally blonde haired and blue eyed babies, assume that she's just a tourist.
- Also upon finding out that she's American, is shocked by the fact she isn't 6 feet tall, have huge breasts and doesn't wear revealing clothing. I told her she is a miniaturized version and then quickly saved myself by saying she is very beautiful and still of above average height in Japan.
- I saw a 60+ year old man playing Pokemon on the train.
- I came into my office thinking that most of my work would be done here and not like my half work during the school year. Turns out I was doing more than I was being asked to do.
- I spent a day watching "Stuff" in my office.
- Spent a day at home to spend with the family and to Ashley's enjoyment, she was hit on by a waiter.

If you want more stuff like this and more up to the minute and if you're on Twitter, you can find a link on the right.

Grandfathers and Summer Move.

2010-05-26T23:26:00.003-04:00

We just arrived yesterday in our Summer home in Tokyo. The twins, the dogs and one ornery cat have all made it safely. While all the various animals and babies inspect their new Summer home. We had a lot of time on the flight in-between baby problems and various bodily needs.

The trip and the new home, I'll get to in another post.

On the plane we spent some of our time doing family research for a little pet project of Ashley's and also watching Band of Brothers. She kind of wanted a collection of family history from both of our families, for the twins. So I've been digging up what I can, most of it on my mom's side is pretty well documented, but I don't know much about my dad's side.

Ashley had a few blank spots, but some long distance mail and calling solved a lot of the blanks on her mom's side.

So here's the skinny on the Grandfather's from the title.
- Only one is still alive, my Grandfather on my Mom's side.
- All four fought in WWII. I don't mean they served their country during the war, but didn't see combat. I mean all four of them got shot at and possibly killed people.
- Two of them fought in the United States Armed Forces. My Grandfather on my Dad's side was in the Marines as infantry and fought in the Pacific from 1943 till the end of the war. Ashley's Grandfather from her Dad's side fought in the Army in an armored division in Africa, Italy and a little bit in France before getting wounded and sent home in 1944.
- My Grandfather on my Mom's side fought for the Japanese Empire and served as an infantryman in the war. He had just come of age, when he was drafted and sent to defend Okinawa. Where he was captured while taking a piss at night. I swear to go I hope he was making that up. Lucky for him, he found a home and a family there after the war.
- This was one of the blank spots for Ashley, we had no idea what her Grandfather on her Mom's side did, besides fight in the war for the Germans. So she talked to her Mom and Aunts. Turns out he was taken far from the village he grew up in and sent to defend the Netherlands and the Rhine River during Operation Market Garden, the failed invasion that was supposed to end the war in Europe by 1944. He stayed with the army till the end of the war and returned home to his wife and daughters.

In fact we learned that Ashley's Maternal Grandfather fought at a village called Nuenen. A place that just so happened to be where Easy Company from Band of Brothers fought once. So Ashley, not so keen on war movies and the such decided to watch the series with me. Just like I always am, she was awed by the courage these men had.

One thing many of the victorious Allied Countries forget, mainly due to movies and TV. There were real people on the losing side of the war. People who fought for their country, but not necessarily for their leader's wrong ideas. They weren't all evil men who wanted to destroy everything in their way. My Grandfather tells me about how he made many friends in the Japanese Army. How they all came from different places, different backgrounds, but all they could think about was going home. How when he heard almost all of them had died fighting, he was truly sad and still is to this day.

Ashley's Aunts who are about 20 years older than her mom, told her stories. How their Father would send pressed dried flowers and loving letters every chance he got. How he always spoke of how much he missed being home with them, but he was doing it to protect them. He was certain that he was protecting his family from the Allies.

I know this post rambles a little, but I believe that we are a product of what our ancestors have done. I don't feel ashamed that I or my daughters share this past. Cause in the end, they were just people, fighting for what they thought was right, but were wrong. They did it though to protect their homes and their families.

I know some people don't think the same way about defeated enemies. Like when my Dad got married to my Mom, his Father found out about her Father fighting for the Japanese and hit him at the wedding (My side of the family isn't that great about weddings).

I'm proud of my ancestry and I hope someday that my daughters will be also.

Little Girl Sass.

2010-05-21T23:00:00.002-04:00

Not even a year and a half old, but they learn words so quickly. Of course being the parents, we can understand them a little better than normal people. Also they somewhat speak some Japanese.

*While snuggling and kissing Ashley*
Katie: EWW!
Ami: Fuck!

Yeah, let's just say they still haven't forgotten that word, they are using it less frequently, but still...

*Cat runs into the room and stares at me.*
CAT: MEOW! (For the love of all things holy stop them!)
*The twins run into the room giggling, while the cat gives me one more glancing pleading look and darts off into another room.*
CAT: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! (NOOOOOOOOOO!)
*Ami falls on her butt, soon joined by her sister*
Ami: Neko (cat)... *the tears start to well up.*
Ashley: DAMAGE CONTROL! NOW!

I think the cat would like them better if they didn't squeeze her paws and tail.

*I'm watching baseball with a little girl on the right and left. They are making a game out giggling whenever a batter misses a ball.*
Katie: Smell?
Ami: Smell!
Katie: SMELL!
*I sniff*
Me: Oh GOD! SMELL!

They like to synchronize bathroom times.

Top 5 Deadpool Panels.

2010-05-19T23:15:00.007-04:00

Deadpool is the perfect example of someone having the rare super power of "Super Sanity." In other words he is so sane that he sees the world for what it really is, thus he knows he's a fictional character in a fictional world. He's also a little eccentric, so other characters tend to believe he is just incredibly insane. The Joker seems to share this power with him. This of course leads to funny/weird comic panels, here are my favorite. *Note, some favorites not included due to crappy pictures.

5. IT'S GOOD!
This may not seem all that great until you know what happened just before this. Deadpool turned a mansion full of zombies on a group of soldiers and then proceeded to blow up the mansion with them all inside. Did I mention that the plastic explosives he used, he had previously used to build the most comfortable chair in the world. Oh and that thing he is kicking into the fire, a very pissed off zombie head.

4. Duct Tape.
Duct Tape...

3. Wait, so the X-Men aren't rappers!?
How Deadpool fails/wins at becoming an X-Men, killing tons of cops and threatening to kill a guy and somehow the whole thing ending up in his favor.

#2 DRAIN BAMAGE!
Wolverine went a little crazy killing some people and in the process kind of decapitated Deadpool. That's alright, he has his healing factor and after some diligent use of DUCT TAPE! He was back at, with a little brain damage.

#1 Come on ladies, you'd be turned on.
Then the woman who he was speaking to, proceeded to scream as loud as she could and run away.

Questions For Us.

2010-05-17T18:39:00.003-04:00

We did this over the weekend, one of us would write a question and the next person would respond first and so on.

What do you two do for a living?
Ashley: During the school year I help run and edit a college newspaper and zine.
Brian: I teach film.

What about during the summer? I know you have a main job that you work almost every night.
B: Haha... Please.
A: Yeah, I'm still not sure what he does either.

What's your favorite color?
A: I dunno, like a light purple. Maybe lilac, but when it comes to clothes maybe a nice green of some sort.
B: Plaid.

Where's your favorite place to go out?
A: There was this sports bar that we tried to go to last Christmas break, back in the Twin Cities, but it apparently burnt down during the fall.
B: It didn't burn down, it was just closed that day.
A: What the heck am I thinking about?

What is one thing you could change about the other?
B: She's left handed.
A: Why is that such a big deal?
B: Well you grew up in some weird sheltered world where you got left handed scissors and writing pads, so on some weird unconscious level, you think things are also built for lefties. Like that time you pushed on the wrong side of the door at the mall and walked into it.
A: That only happened a few times!
B: I just don't want the twins who are already left handed to be walking into doors. I get enough of that from the cat.
A: GET RID OF YOUR BEARD!
B: You said you liked it!
A: I LIED TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS!
B: The trick is on you! I'm not wearing pants!

Top 5 Fictional Characters You Don't Know About.

2010-05-12T11:36:00.009-04:00

I suddenly realized that this blog has gotten to weird and/or serious lately. Not enough Top 5's, reviews or even young me. I plan to rectify this situation. Here are the top five fictional characters you don't know about.

5. Duncan Idaho from the Dune series.
Readers of the Dune novels should know who Duncan Idaho is. The sword-master whose loyalty was to House Atreides, who was so good that after he died in battle, he was brought back to life over thousands of years to continue his service. That is essentially what you know based of the Frank Herbert novels. Now, there are prequels that delve into the history of the older Dune characters before Dune. Based off of notes and musings by the now dead Frank Herbert, they filled in Idaho's past a little more. So let me list off the bad ass things he did in the prequels:
- He killed a hunting party of soldiers by himself at the age of 8.
- He helped uncover an assassination plot at the age of 9.
- Entered sword-master training, where half of all students die.
- Escaped kidnappers at the school by killing the majority of the kidnappers with his bare hands.
- Swam for three days without rest.
- Then after the swimming proceeded to fight a battle.
There's only one word for that, badass.

4. Victor "Sully" Sullivan from the Uncharted Series.
The Uncharted series is a video game series on the PlayStation 3. The best way to describe Sully to the people who haven't played the games is like... If Indiana Jones had an abusive father, drank too much and dropped out of college to own a bar and steal antiquities. Very well known in the games for being a huge womanizer, especially the kind of women you pay money to, to spend time with. Thus creating all kinds of inappropriate jokes about sex that always leave the main character awed. Also he's the kind of guy, while killing dozens of pirates will say, "I'm too old for this shit."

3. Captain Shakespeare of the Caspartine from Stardust.
In the book, the Captain who was played by Robert De Niro, was just a laid back guy and was kind of skimmed over. In the movie, dear god did they take him to a weird but awesome way. In the movie he is well known for being cruel and malicious. While in his own cabin he's... Well he's as girly and poofy as can be. Shedding the sailor accent for a girly gossip voice and cross dressing in great big pink ballroom dresses and proceeding to still kick ass in that dress. Now if you haven't seen the movie, picture De Niro dressed up in a pink dress, wearing make-up. Nuff said right there.

2. Yamada from B Gata H Kei.
In most anime romance comedies, the girl fits into a few stereotypes, shy, tomboy, your average girl so the girls in the audience can identify. Things like that, with Yamada the creator pretty much says, "F that!" Yamada is a very beautiful girl and thus a lot of guys are interested in her. So her goal by the end of her senior year in high school, is to have 100 fuck buddies. Now how do you stop this character from coming off as a total slut? Well you make her ridiculously shy when it comes to sealing the deal, even so far as running away and hiding after seeing an erection. So essentially the story is she wants to meet her goal, but she wants to have her first time with an average guy cause she is afraid a more experienced partner will mock her. So she spends most of her time trying to seduce an average guy character who is just as shy and dumb as she is. So of course it takes forever and when things take that long, feelings do happen...

1. Taskmaster from the Marvel Universe.
If you're not a huge Marvel comics fan, you'll have no idea who he is. Created in 1980 to be an Avengers villain, he sported an unusual power that as far as I have seen, has not been used elsewhere. He has photographic reflexes, which while in itself is not a super power, but just photographic memory on steroids. Essentially just by watching a few minutes of an activity, he can instantly mimic it as if it were done by the original person. For example he can fight in the exact same style as all the major Marvel super heroes and villains, he just doesn't have their super powers.

Another few examples from his history:
- As a young child at a swimming pool he watched a champion high diver do a trick off the high dive. He went to the top of the high dive and performed the same exact trick. Except he forgot one thing, he couldn't swim.
- While escaping a building someone once asked him, "Can you fly that helicopter?" To which he responded, "No... But I've seen it done before." Then he flew them out.
- To prepare for a fight he spent an hour watching kung-fu movies in 2x speed. Thus he could recreate fighting twice as fast, but for only short periods of time.

In recent years the Marvel writing team has been kind of steering him away from being a villain and more toward being a neutral person with his own agendas, in his case, making money as a mercenary. So he's like Deadpool, which he happens to be buddies with.

Also his main costume makes him look like Skeletor.

Bad, but for a Good Reason.

2010-05-10T20:04:00.002-04:00

Growing up in my parent's house was very different than what you guys probably grew up with. In a working family dynamic, the authority figures AKA the parents reinforce good behavior and punish bad. Mine? Well they got half of it right, at least for us younger children. We never really got any positive reinforcement. Which, when that occurs in a child's developmental stage, trouble happens.

At some point when I was a very young child, not sure when, my brain made the mathematical connection that, "Misbehaving = Punishment by parents and adults = Attention > Being ignored." Which essentially lead down a bad road, cause in my mind, being bad, ignoring homework, and eventually things bordering on misdemeanors all meant that I would get the much needed attention that I desired from my parents. Of course if you know anything about some of the abuse, you can see how dangerous a road this can go down.

I was a bright grade schooler, getting accolades from my teachers for good grades and routinely being placed in advanced classes. Around 4th grade my juvenile mind put the above mentioned. I started to ignore school work, skipped school, disappear for extended periods of time and worst of all, light fires. Not big ones, the largest was a dead houseplant in someones backyard.

It took about 2 years, lots of concerned teachers, some bruises for me to realize something I should have known from the beginning. That no matter what I did well, it wasn't going to be enough for my parents, that in the end the stuff I did well, was for me and that was enough.

My grades picked up and I got accepted into the international baccalaureate program at one of the country's top high schools, along with my friends. I thrived in the highly educated atmosphere and found myself being allowed to take college general education classes my Junior year. I got accepted into graduate school having completed enough general eds and what not my "Freshman" year that I started graduate school the summer I turned 19. I went to full time school, all year long, even during the summer. I even kept a nearly full time job and an apartment at the same time, but something was missing.

My personal life went down the drain. Just a few good friends, a crappy love life and not much else for me to do than study and work. Then of course you know what happened.

I have promised myself to do what my parents didn't. To make sure my daughters know that getting good grades, excelling in sports and good things is good for them. While making sure that bad things lead to consequences and punishments (like time outs and grounding). Though no ones perfect, I'm sure they'll get in trouble, every child does, it's just stopping it from being a habit. I had to learn it the hard way, but thankfully I did it early enough in my life. Not like some of my other siblings.

Pokemon.

2010-05-07T22:14:00.003-04:00

Me: Ashley... I think you need to put down the game and eat.
Ashley: Meh...
Me: Ashley, Pokemon will still be playable once you're done eating.
Ashley: Meh...
Me: ... What's your favorite Pokemon's name? (She gives the Pokemon special names)
Ashley: ... Do I have to say it?
Me: Yes.
Ashley: It's name is penis.
Me: Thank you, I'll let you get back to your game.
If Pokemon were real animals, we would have had the humane society knocking on our door every day.

My Life Feels a Little More Whole.

2010-05-06T20:19:00.005-04:00

Sure graduating from school with honors, meeting the girl of my dreams, getting married, having two bouncing twin girls and pretty much living my life just the way I wanted it, is nice and all, but you know, something is missing. *Ashley edit: Like a long run-on sentence?*

A little back story first, I'm not great with names, for gods sake I have my students sign in for class. Yes I do have a full-proof way of making sure the kiddies don't skip out and have their friend sign for them. So the most I get to know my students is by first name in my bigger classes, only really glancing at their last names to assign grades and what not. I finally realized today that in one of my classes I have teenagers actually named:

- Christopher Walken.
- Tom Servo
- John "Jack" Palance (He goes by Jack).

Obviously some parents don't love their kids too much, or maybe too much. The first person I learned about was Tom Servo, who unfortunately has never seen the Minnesota made (YAY MINNESOTA), Mystery Science Theater 3000. Sadly I later learned the name was just a coincidence and he was not in fact a small robot built by a guy floating in outer space.

Lazy Day, Have Some Songs.

2010-05-03T20:01:00.003-04:00

nyeh... *note NSFW.*

The above song is the embodiment of my life once my friends have had a few drinks.

Marriage Definitions.

2010-04-30T01:06:00.003-04:00

I come home from a long day at work. I find my beautiful wife reading a magazine in the kitchen and I give her a passionate kiss. The kiss evolves into something more passionate and together we move toward the stairs. Slowly, but with purpose we make our way half-way up the stairs. Suddenly Ashley pushes me off, blushing from ear to ear she tries to regain herself.

Me: What's wrong?
Ashley: I... I have cookies in the oven.
Me: Oh... Well we don't want to have them burned. Why don't I go watch ESPN and then we can eat the cookies later.
Ashley: Okay.
Me: *whisper whisper*
Ashley: *Giggles*

Cookies > Sex. Cause you know, you can do that stuff any night (or day), but how often do you get homemade cookies after work?

Drunk or Kid!?

2010-04-27T11:21:00.004-04:00

Now let's play a little game from How I Met Your Mother. I list off some wacky shenanigans and you tell me if I was drunk or a kid!

1. Got trapped on the roof of a building and figured the only way off was climbing down. Then I fell into a rose bush.

2. Got shooed away by authority figures (won't say which kind, would ruin the game) after I claimed I was only on school grounds to play an awesome game of four square.

3. Pulled a girls skirt up in public.

4. Somehow believing setting off a bottle rocket in an enclosed room full of people/kids was a smart idea.

5. Fight Club.

6. Turning a fun game of laser tag into something a little more similar to WWI trench warfare. Complete with using your guns as clubs when out of ammo.

7. Getting lost in Downtown Chicago and being brought in by the police cause I was, "trying to balance on the guard rail of a bridge over the river."

8. Telling a girl, "Why should you like me? Cause I'm batman!" Complete with arm waving and laughing.

9. Going to Hooters and proclaiming to the waitress, "YOUR BOOBS ARE ENORMOUS!"

10. On Christmas screaming at a random kid on the street, "What day is it!?" When no answer was provided, "It's F---ing Christmas! Now go into town and buy me the largest goose you can find!" Then I proceed to toss a 20 out the window. I've never seen that kid again.

Bonus!: Bike + Ramp + Other kid on a bike + fish tank = Concussion.

And remember to show your work for full credit.

Ashley has Rage Issues.

2010-04-24T23:02:00.003-04:00

Ashley may only be 5'3'' around 100 pounds, but she has enough temper and lean muscle to take down some kind of large animal, like a donkey or something, maybe a mule. She's also a master of psychological payback.

Insult the twins: You're dead to her.

Call my classes boring in a student survey:
Someone's going to pay, but what with the anonymity of the surveys I'm not sure how.

Flirting waitresses: Does Ashley have to choke a bitch?

Things I Can't Do Anymore.

2010-04-19T18:03:00.003-04:00

I can't...

- Do a standing back flip. I'm old and alcohol, laziness and the sudden fear of breaking my neck seemed to have stopped this.
- Dalliances with young debutantes. Ashley.
- Smoking. Ashley.
- Strike fear into the hearts of would-be criminals. I think it might be my new hair cut.
- Say no to my significant other. Ashley.
- Claim that the discovery of Power Rangers was a key moment in my life.
- Go to American Japanese restaurants. When you've had the real thing many, many times and get used to it, you can't go back.
- Recite all 150 original pokemon.
- Expect 18 year old college freshman to understand how awesome the early 90's SNL was. All I can ever get out of them is something about a dick in a box.
- Wear sweatpants in public. Ashley.
- Can't walk around my home without paying constant attention to what's on the floor. Babies, dogs, cats and Ashley.
- Control my children.

Damn I feel old now...

Any of you care to share?

Feeling Awfully Romantic Today.

2010-04-17T19:44:00.002-04:00

Ashley and I have been taking in as much of spring here in Georgia as we can. We have a patio at our house and we just recently got around to buying some patio furniture. So we've been enjoying that time in the year where the weather is warm, but not too bad and before the majority of bugs are on the attack. So we've been enjoying sitting around, talking and generally absorbing being around each other.

Now someone (hi mom), forwarded an article to us about a possible scientific reason for many early divorces. Yes, my mom did send us this. Apparently after the first year of dating and/or marriage that giddy feeling that people associate with being madly in love goes away. Thus they settle into some kind of normal couple routine, not really displaying that giddy love of dating past. Mainly this happens cause as you get used to being in love, your body stops producing dopamine (or something) and that rewarding feeling slowly goes away. My mom for whatever reason think we are at that point now. Now in 10-20 percent of case studies that level of newlywed love continues into old age.

Now I'm not saying we are there just yet, we are still 4 months away from our 2 year anniversary, but we've been together for over nearly 3 years. My point is, our friends still complain about us being all lovey dovey in public. We are still very much in love and we don't mind flaunting it. If that will last the rest of our lives, only time can tell.

In the mean time, all I can say is we love each other and that's more than enough. Now if the twins would just stop swearing like sailors life would be perfect.

Little Sister Needs to Grow Up.

2010-04-15T18:52:00.003-04:00

*Ring Ring*
Me: Hello?
Sister: Onee-chan! (Big brother if very close to your brother and/or want something from him (not actual translation, but she uses it that way.))
Me: What do you want?
Sister: Oh come on... Don't be that--
Me: --Well?
Sister: Fine. I was wondering if you could employ me this summer as a babysitter.
Me: You know we aren't going to be in the country during the summer right? So, what did you do to piss off dad?
Sister: Nothing! Mom just kind of convinced him into not to give me a free place to stay.
Me: Did you fail a class?
Sister: No... I just kinda... dropped one.
Me: Why?
Sister: You know... Reasons. Mom said that if I'm not going to either get a job or take all the classes they paid for, she won't let me freeload.
Me: Two things. Why don't you get a job? And who is he?
Sister: *Long silence* He's just a guy I've been dating.
Me: *Sigh* How many guys have you "dated" in college? (her idea of dating is free dinner and maybe a guy to hang out with, the guys tend to think it's more serious).
Sister: I don't see how that's important to what we're discussing right now.
*long silence*
Sister: Six, maybe seven.
Me: That makes three you're dating now.
Sister: Well I'm only dating one, two are on reserve.
Me: God... When is your semester over?
Sister: End of May.
Me: I'll buy your tickets there and back, you'll stay in our extra room, but any entertainment money you need to earn on your own. Babysitting buys you the tickets and rent, if you want more money, you'll have to get a part-time job. I'll call you back with details.
Sister: Deal! Thanks Onee-chan!
*hangs up*

She needs to grow up damnit and I'm not helping her either! DAMNIT! I just know she's going to extort spending money out of Ashley or I.

Damn troublesome little sister.

Brian-isms.

2010-04-12T18:58:00.004-04:00

I'm pretty well known for talking and/or acting, before thinking. Which means I have the most understanding wife in the world. These little moments are known among my friends as Brian-isms. Some of the famous ones are constant running jokes in our group of friends. Here are some of them:

- "Look, this all can be solved by flooding Asia and I'm just suggesting an underwater dam is the way to do it." While discussing with a friend how winning a land war in Asia is possible.

- "Poop muffins." While discussing muffins and the topic of bran muffins came into conversation. I use it as a non-derogatory curse word now.

- *Ashley is video chatting with her sister and mom and I'm in the background, unaware and assuming she's just browsing the internet* "Did you buy that dildo yet!?" I of course meant we were in a bidding war over a Steve Ditko illustrated comic. My mind I have to admit, was on something else. Then I walked over to discover that she was talking to people on the computer. My mother-in-law just stared at Ashley and I with a dumbfounded look, her older sister was laughing and calling over her husband and Ashley was both incredibly embarrassed and angry. By this point I had no idea what I said and innocently asked what was going on.

I swear about half the time I never even catch what I said was wrong.

-----------

In other news, I want to memorize this commercial and gather the props to do it. Most likely not including the horse and diamonds.

Baseball Season.

2010-04-09T18:34:00.002-04:00

I was a busy kid from ages 6-18. I had a lot on my plate, school, three sports (baseball, football and hockey) and Martial Arts (Karate age 6-present, Kendo 12-present, Judo ages 12-17 and 21-present). It may sound like it's overwhelming, but on average it only really took up 2-3 days a week to do and in the summer that was fine.

Not that my parents ever cared what I was up to, when I was young my best friend's mom drove us, when I got older I just rode my bike and in high school I drove. They didn't even know I played more than one sport until I was 18, out of the house and graduated. I guess that was partly due to not having enough money to buy a letter jacket, but my parents would never have paid for it. Heck it was out of the kindness of my best friend's mom that I even could afford martial arts classes until I had my own job.

In the end though, my favorite was baseball in the summer, fall and spring. Heck, it was the only sport I played that my parents even cared about. My dad was and is an avid Minnesota Twins fan, as am I. I was born the year the Twins won their first world championship and one of my first memories was them winning their second. Also, if you know have ever seen me and my dad in the same room, the only conversation path that doesn't lead down a bad road, is sports. It's just about the only thing we can agree about.

Anyways, I started playing baseball (or some sad semblance of it), when I was 6 and my dad forced me into it. I do mean forced, I was more preoccupied with my struggle for freedom from pants (and still am).

I started with tee ball, then pitching machine and/or random dad throwing balls due to lack of working machine, to little league, traveling summer league and high school baseball. There's a reason I played for so long, I was good, below great, but I was a solid player. I started playing shortstop and then got moved to second before high school. I was, "a great fielder, a good runner on base and a decent contact hitter, but could use improvement." Not me praising myself, but I remember it being written on a college scouts report when I was 17.

I was somewhat moderately scouted due to the fact that there was an all-state pitcher on our team. I got two offers from a big (but losing) division 1 baseball team and a small division one team. The problem was the big school offered an okay scholarship (based also on academics), they taught what I wanted to major in, but I couldn't afford to move over a thousand miles away, nor the rest of the cost of tuition. Also, I would be a utility player and the odds of me ever starting were slim, I wanted to play. The other school offered a much better scholarship, so much so that I could afford to move and go there, I could even be a starting player, but they didn't teach what I wanted to learn. Long story short (too late!), I passed on both options and went to a school in Minnesota.

Ever since then I've been following the baseball season more closely than ever in my life. Without being able to play, I wanted to feel I was somewhat in the know. So like a die hard fan I've been following the Twins from another state. Which is hard cause most of the time I have to watch online, on-demand or whatever I can find. Which is worth it, cause not only do the Twins have a decent winning record, but they have two great players who have both won MVP awards. Justin Morneau our first baseman has been putting up great numbers since he hit his stride. Of course there is Joe Mauer who is THE best catcher in the major leagues, with gold gloves, two batting titles and an MVP award all to his name. The best part is, he's a local boy, born and bred in the Twin Cities.

The sad thing is, they just built a new park in Minneapolis, the first time there will be outdoor baseball for the Twins since the early 80's. The problem arises from the fact that I live in Georgia for part of the season and in Japan for the bulk. Hopefully I can convice Ashley on our way back to go to the twin cities to visit friends, family and maybe some baseball.

I mean I've already got the twin girls in their Minnesota Twins jerseys.

Even More Conversations with the Wife.

2010-04-04T00:53:00.002-04:00

Ashley: I think something is odd about our girls.
Me: What's up?
Ashley: They're just sitting there, staring at something.
Me: Like out the window?
Ashley: No, they're just looking up, over there in the corner.
Me: Oh, I'll go take a look too I guess.
*looks up at the wall*
Me: I don't see anything.
Ashley: Well they seem awfully excited about it.
Me: Where are the twins?
Ashley: Napping.
Me: What are you two looking at?
Sophie: Murf...
Cassie: Rowf...

I still don't know what the hell the two of them were looking at.

---

Ashley: Don't leave.
Me: I have to.
Ashley: Well I'm coming to.
Me: It's 2 in the morning.
Ashley: I'm coming.
*She follows me into my office and lies down on the love seat and falls asleep.*
*I'm on the phone with someone very important in Japan and who does speak English*
Me: I think I can handle that, I just want to make sure we aren't gambling on something that if things go wrong, we can't pull ourselves out of. Yes I understand if it gets off the ground it'll be great, but if it doesn't I don't think we'll get--
Ashley *asleep*: WAFFLES AND PANCAKES!
Phone *not missing a beat*: I just think that they will meld well with maple syrup.

She still doesn't think she talks about food while she's asleep.

---

*Watching the Colonel Angus sketch with Christopher Walken.*
Ashley: I don't get why his name is so funny.
Me: *whisper*
Ashley: Oh... Ew...
Me: That's not what you said last night.

Hi Mom!

Things I Regret Part 1.

2010-04-02T00:10:00.003-04:00

"Getting stuck in the mad world of personal relationships probably two years early when I was 11."

She lived across the street, we were born within a month of each other and our dad's were childhood friends. We grew up as close as two siblings and for a long time we were best friends. It was around the age of 9 I started to realize, she was both awesome and really quite cute. Long red hair, and bright green eyes, she was beautiful.

We officially started to date when we were 11, a little early and that's where the trouble begins. She was possessive which is nice at first, but she took it to a whole other level. Ashley has enough experience with that to last a lifetime.

As we became teenagers in high school things got worse. Fights, not physical, but the kind that would normally destroy a normal relationship. I hated it, I hated what it turned me into and it made me hate myself. The problem I consistently fell into was that we had a huge connection that really couldn't be forgotten. Also she was always there after a failed relationship, but it was all a trap in a spiral of unhappiness.

I finally figured out that to get out of the spiral, I needed to separate myself from what connected me to it. Like my immediate family, the old neighborhood and for awhile, some of my friends. Then a funny thing happened, I started to feel happy for a long period of time. Something I had never really felt before. Always if things were going great at school my love life was hell on Earth. If my love life was great, my home life drove me to levels of self hate I don't like to revisit.

It's still alien to me, having a home that I love to go home to, a wife that I love to love and a job I love to do.

Things I Regret.

2010-03-30T23:49:00.002-04:00

- Getting stuck in the mad world of personal relationships probably two years early when I was 11.
- Upsetting a girl so badly that I got stabbed, twice.
- Almost losing my girlfriend and future wife because of my own stupidity.
- That night naked in the snow.
- That time I got trapped in a storm drain on a homemade raft.
- Anything I've done while blacked out.
- Smoking.
- Breaking my Dad's arm.
- Not convincing Ashley that she looks good in a skirt.
- Sticking my head up Ashley's skirt earlier.
- Not putting ice on the wound suffered after the skirt.

Words Cannot Describe...

2010-03-29T22:10:00.002-04:00

A text conversation after first viewing.
Me: Wha?.. Why?... I don't even... What is this?
Ashley: You don't like it? :( (Ashley is a dead serious texter, when she uses emotes, that's really how she feels)
Me: It's not that I don't like it, but... What is it?
Ashley: :( You really don't like it.
Me: I just have one question.
Ashley: Yes?
Me: Do you like boys?
Ashley: I'll see you at home... dear.

Top 5 Skit Groups/Shows.

2010-03-27T00:08:00.007-04:00

I really do enjoy skit based comedy and these are my five favorite groups and their shows/movies.

5. Whitest Kids U'Know.
The newest group on the list and what can easily be understood as a product of the internet generation and a lifetime of guy jokes. Consisting of (from right to left), Timmy Williams, Sam Brown, Trevor Moore, Darren Trumeter and Zach Cregger. Now there is a reason you may not have heard of them, they are on IFC an HBO like channel, so they can get away with a lot of stuff. The guys are more than willing to dress in drag to fill out parts and do a lot of unmentionable things. The reason they made the list even though their show has only been on a few years, is because they can end a sketch better than any group on this list. Which is really, really hard, especially when your skit is ridiculous. Warning though, this is guy humor and anyone of the female persuasion might not agree with the comedy. Except for Ashley, which troubles me that she laughs so hard. Like so:

4. Saturday Night Live.
The pioneer in sketch comedy and changing Saturday nights for the better... Sometimes. See when they first started, they were great, things slowly went downhill till the late 80's and early 90's with a whole new slew of future great comedic actors. The thing that's always great is that they do the best satirical humor, even if the rest of the skits tend to fall flat. So in honor of the three great eras in SNL history, it made the list.

3. Gaki no Tsukai AKA The Downtown Boys (Not the name of the show, but the name of the group.)
Consisting of Matsumoto Hitoshi, Hamada Masatoshi, Hosei Yamasaki, Shozo Endo and Tanaka Naoki. Made up of famous stand up comedian groups, it isn't as much a skit show as 5 now middle-aged guys doing weird competitions and batsu (punishment) games. A lot of the "Japanese Game Shows" on youtube are from these guys. Their most famous ones being the New Years Batsu games. Where they go 24 hours doing a job, while trying not to laugh at strange guest cameos, weird skits and , otherwise they get punished, usually by being spanked by someone. They have been on Japanese TV for over 20 years and are a staple of Japanese pop culture.

2. Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Come on... IT'S MONTY PYTHON! Also Terry Gilliam is from Minnesota.

1. The Kids in the Hall.
Consisting of (from right to left), Dave Foley, Mark McKinney, Scott Thompson, Bruce McCulloch and Kevin McDonald. This Canadian born comedy troupe started in the 80's and started on TV when Lorne Micheals of SNL fame produced their show. They were known for having Monty Python like strangeness, including the cross dressing, but they also had the live audience and somewhat normal skits slightly influenced by SNL. No guest hosts, only five crazy guys on camera. The reason that they are on the top is because they showed real creativity with the skits and unlike Monty Python, they didn't have skits that made no sense. One of my favorites:

Happy Birthday Twins!

2010-03-24T22:39:00.003-04:00

One year ago, my two little angels were born. It's hard to believe we've spent a whole year with them already. They are walking, or as I like to call it, the longest sustained fall ever. They are talking, even if one of those words isn't going to make us sound like the best of parents. I know that as the years go on, the big achievements of life will slowly grow farther apart for the two, potty training, losing the first tooth, the inevitable turn to evil, high school, graduating high school, college, etc. etc...

No matter how much older they will get, I'll always see them as my little girls...

The Story of Two Sisters.

2010-03-22T23:03:00.002-04:00

Two sisters, maybe a year separated lived in a small Austrian village which no longer exists. Yet there are still a few stories about the two sisters, who were very, very popular in the area. Their mom was a renowned beauty and they didn't fall far from the tree. There were a lot of suitors, the oldest finally married a childhood sweet heart who lived nearby. Those two were married for many, many years until the end. No children came from the marriage, but they were always happy.

The younger sister played the field for awhile, before marrying a soldier who went off to war. Sadly, after the war, the small village was uprooted and she moved to Munich. She finally met up with her husband and moved to another small village. There she led a comfortable life, having a lot of just as gorgeous little girls.

One of those little girls grew up to be a beautiful woman, who went to Chicago for college. New to America she ran into a handsome young man (I can't believe this part of the story). A year later they were married and had two daughters and two sons in Wisconsin.

One of the daughters married a local boy who happened to work for her dad's company. The marriage produced an energetic little girl who loves our two dogs.

The younger daughter married a rag tag, downtrodden guy who in her own words, "was a fixer upper." Two twin baby girls came after the marriage, perfect little baby girls...

WHO THREW UP ON MY SUIT!

*cries*

Thank god it wasn't one of the expensive ones.

Anyways, Ashley's side of the family are all very... good looking. Maybe cause their genes eat the genes of the partner's and thus become some pseudo-clones. Blond hair, blue eyes, same nose, it's creepy sometimes. Then again, Ashley is half a foot shorter than her sister and mom, so who knows.

Suits are Great.

2010-03-19T18:29:00.003-04:00

Much like Barney Stinson, I just love having and wearing a nice suit. I have about ten suits, most are generally nice suits I can wear for work, or a nice night out. I have two suits that are my special occasion or, "because I can" suits.

One I got as a very, very kind gift from someone. A custom-fitted Polo Ralph Lauren suit and because of that one of the more comfortable outfits I have ever worn. A nice silk tie by either Brioni or or Kitons pulls it all together. It's a good special night out suit that I've worn out with the wife, or out with drinking colleagues.

The other one I have was a late Christmas gift to myself. Another custom-fitted suit, but this time it was an Armani suit, not quite as comfortable, but it's the "wow" suit that I really enjoy wearing. For like weddings and similar special occasions it's nice, but deep down it's that wonderful business suit.

I'm not going to mention price past this comment, but let's just say affording these suits is hard.

One day I showed up for classes in the Polo Ralph Lauren suit, some of the students thought it was weird that I dressed up that much for them. Honestly, I like dressing up in a suit, it gives me character and it makes me look nice for the ladies. *wink*

Ashley Edit: By ladies I sure hope you mean me, the twins and the dogs.

Yes honey... *wink*

Ashley Edit: Stop winking, you're starting to sound like Patrick Bateman!

You mean him?
The suit obsessed serial killer from the controversial novel American Psycho. I don't agree with you, I'm nothing like him.

Ashley Edit: What's your favorite drink?

J&B on the rocks. Oh... I can assure you I'm not that bad of a serial killer.

Ashley Edit: You said you are a serial killer!?

No... Also the basements dirty, don't go down there for a while until I clean it up.

Ashley Edit: ... You really don't want to have sex again do you?

Thing I Grew Up With: CROSSFIRE!

2010-03-09T21:19:00.002-05:00

If you grew up in the 90's odds are you heard this all the time on TV.

Someone I know, put it quite well into words. It was the national anthem of grade school boys from the 90's. You'd be hard pressed to find a guy my age who hasn't heard that song at one point or another. For you 80's kids and beyond, you wish you has a song like this.

Daddy's Girls.

2010-03-08T23:56:00.002-05:00

I don't see my girls very often anymore. They are just waking up when I rush out of the house and they are asleep when I get home. The time that I do spend with them is very special to me and apparently to them. I don't know why, or how, but the two of them act so much closer to me than their mommy.

Whenever they are awake and see me, they want to be held be me. Even if they are being held by Ashley. I can get them to calm down a lot faster than Ashley, which perplexes me, since I do so very little to comfort them. It's gotten more obvious now that they can utter a few words and walk around a little. "Dada!" Can be heard rooms away as the two of them stumble toward me when I enter the room. It's enough to make a dad tear up when you haven't seen them for a long period of time.

This of course has led to a weird little thing they get from their mommy. They are very jealous about me and if the other one gets more attention than the other. Or something like this happens...

I got home from work tonight, entered the living room where Ashley was cradling a wide-awake Katie. Katie apparently had no interest in falling asleep like her sister and was apt to have a book read to her. I enter as Katie crawls off to the center of the couch and proceeds to start clapping and giggling.

"Hi honey."
"Hi *blank* (Her pet name for me is none of your concern internet)"

We smooch a little, then I hear a whimpering sound on the couch.

Katie has her arms outstretched, tears welling up in her eyes and she starts softly saying, "Uppy... Uppy..." Of course upon viewing such a spectacle, I picked her up and she immediately started to giggle and coo.

Then I realized that she was giving this sly little grin at Ashley, who overcome by the cuteness didn't notice. That's when I realized, Katie just beat her own mom at her own game. The twins are being clingy and possessive at a 6th grade level. Then I realized that I fell for her little trap and now she wasn't going to let go until she fell asleep.

Then again, I hope they love me that much. Until they are older and can stay up later at night, they aren't going to see a lot of me. Thank god that Ashley is a bit of a night owl and I get more than enough quality time with her.

Best Breakfast.

2010-03-05T22:57:00.003-05:00

In these next four posts I'll be painting you a picture of what I love to have the most during Breakfast, Lunch, Snack and Dinner. By planning these out ahead of time, I realized I have a pretty large range of tastes.

Imagine it is morning, not your 8 o'clock in the morning, morning, but rather just before dawn. You're just moving the boat away from the dock to go fishing in the early morning. You come back at about 8 in the morning, hungry, a little tired, but there is still a lot of day to come.

You want something big, fulfilling and all around awesome. In this situation I would want a breakfast that people who aren't from Minnesota, Wisconsin and parts of Michigan would find, well, too much food.

Let's list off what is included.
- Fresh, fried walleye fillet.
- Two over easy eggs.
- Hashbrowns.
- Bacon, I mean the thick cut stuff, not that skinny crap.
- Slices of toast, whole wheat is good, but it could be white.
- Three big pancakes.
Not an accurate picture, the eggs aren't right and there is tartar sauce, which shouldn't be needed, as explained below. Taken from google images.

If you've never had walleye, it tastes pretty much like a more tasty version of a cod. Of course like most white fish, it's best deep fried. Now in the states listed above, it's pretty common for this or another fish to be a good replacement for steak and eggs. You puncture the egg yolks and all that egg yolk spreads onto the hashbrowns and the fish. No need for sauce. Of course then, what's a breakfast without pancakes on the side. Maybe some well cooked bacon to help move things along.

It's a big breakfast, but not so big that you'll be spending the rest of the day laying around and sleeping. Then again, making it that big isn't a problem either.

Like I said a lot of the people in the South, West Coast, Central United States (not including upper Midwest), and East Coast can really understand this. It's also true too, that none of you have 11,000 lakes easily available to you either.

Blacksheeps.

2010-03-04T23:51:00.005-05:00

It's well regarded by my dad's side of the family, that I am the black sheep of the family. Running away, dropping contact for three years, reappearing only after getting engaged to a "undesirable girl." Which I may add, is the only time someone who has gotten to know Ashley has said anything bad, well, to my face anyways. I've kind of fully embraced the idea of being the black sheep of the family. Of course I'm fully embraced by my mom's side of the family, but dear old dad's side is a bit more... Old fashioned.

Of course I have written about how both Ashley and are from big families, my dad's family was par for the course. Having 5 siblings, one was bound to be kind of a disappointment. That title belongs to my uncle and the second oldest of three brothers, my dad being the oldest.

The easiest way to describe the home my grandparents gave my dad and his siblings. Pretty much my experience at home, but much, much more intense. Let's just say my dad's side of the family is Scotch Irish, alcoholism runs on the male side of the family, and we all to some degree or another, enjoy hitting things. Of course I take that last urge, against people my size and in a controlled environment.

Anyways, all three Johnson boys enlisted in the military and all three served in Vietnam. My uncle, the one this post is about, was an engineer and with the money and training from the military, got a degree in the new field of computer science. After college he joined a little start up company called IBM, one of the first 100 employees. As we all know, IBM became a huge company and my uncle was able to retire at the age of 40. He now spends his time split between three homes, one in Florida (he has visited us a few times here in Savannah), one in Minneapolis and a cabin alongside the Mississippi river and an adjoining lake. In his own personal words, "I've dated a lot of women in my time, but I never really wanted to know them past what was under their skirts." As you can probably tell, he is a life long bachelor to this day.

Why is he considered a black sheep of the family, well, he and my grandfather has a big falling out when he was my age. Something about owed money and the family business. He also had a huge falling out with my dad, who as far as I know, hasn't spoken a word to him in 15 years. At our wedding, the two of them avoided each other like the plague.

Why? I don't know and probably will never know. I mean my Uncle is one of the nicest guys I ever met and it was only because my youngest aunt acts as a peace keeper, do I even know him personally. During my years of exile he was really my only link to my dad's side of the family. I would go up north with him to hunt, fish and all the other various things people in the Midwest do to amuse themselves. We kind of found a bond over our seclusion from the rest of the family. To the point now, that I'm closer to my uncle than my own dad.

As for my two aunts and other uncle, well they are decently nice people when sober. My youngest aunt quit drinking awhile back and we have grown fairly close in the past couple of years. She even approves of my marriage and trades emails with Ashley on a regular basis. My older aunt is a bit more like my dad, but a generally nice individual, despite some off hand comments about me, but I haven't seen her in a few years. My youngest uncle is very close to my dad and serves as kind of a messenger between the two brothers. Nice guy, we went fishing a few times with my other uncle. Wish I could be closer to him cause he's very much like me, if not more old fashioned.

Thanks for reading more about my family's strange relationships. Sometimes I wonder why Ashley's family isn't all dysfunctional and weird, it kind of creeps me out sometimes.