Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Woes of Being Ashley

Ashley does that dance that a lot of women try to do. Balance the social life, being a mom, a wife and the small professional life she has maintained throughout these years. Still being a mom to two curious, smart, trouble making girls and another who seems to be just as troublesome, can put a lot of burden on her. Especially teaching them social etiquette:

We were at a small restaurant we frequent often for a quiet lunch.
Katie: I need to go pee!
Ashley: Shh... Ladies don't say it like that.
Katie thinks about it for a few seconds.
Katie: I need to go... Tinkle.
Ashley: Close enough.
She escorts Katie to the bathroom.
Ami: So what do we say?
Me: That you need to go to the bathroom or something...
Ami: But I don't want to take a bath.
I splutter my drink.

And as a wife:

Me: It's not the same...
Ashley: It's not good?
Me: I didn't say that.
Ashley: Why don't you tell me what's different?
Me: If I knew I'd tell you. Like the last 100 times.
Ashley: TELL ME!

My mom won't tell her the way she makes white rice and it's driving Ashley crazy.

Saturday, April 6, 2013


Ashley promised me two weeks of vacation awhile ago and we were finally able to do it a few weeks ago. We went on a dream vacation of mine. We arrived in Paris and immediately took a train with no problems to Monaco, where our trip would begin. I must say thanks to Ashley, without her fluent French I would have gone insane.

We stayed in Monaco for two days, enjoying the high life and nice weather. That was our relaxation part of the trip as the rest of the trip would be spent with lots of walking and exploring.

Then we took another train trip to Milan for another two days. I didn't really have anything major to do in the city, but Ashley thoroughly enjoyed the shopping and cafes.

Then to Venicie for 3 days, which I found so fun. All the wonderful architecture and grand buildings. The walks we had around the city were amazing, along with the wonderful food, I was in paradise. It was also when I really realized how much fun it was knowing the language while my wife could do nothing! NOTHING! Now she knows how I feel when we go to places I don't know the language.

We spent only a day in Florence, it's a shame, but it was fun. Much more laid back and again, the exploring walks were amazing.

4 Days in Rome was not enough, not nearly enough to see everything I wanted to see and do. Just wonderful Roman buildings, sites and museums. Some of the funnest days I've ever had on vacation. My particular highlight was visiting the Mausoleum of Augustus and sitting around the city center of ancient Rome. All while having some of the best conversations with Ashley that I've ever had. I just wish I could go again very soon and bring the girls when they are older.

We finished the trip with two days in Naples and a wonderful day trip to Pompeii.

I wish I could go back with my daughters, maybe when they are older and don't find entertainment with destruction. Someday...

Friday, April 5, 2013

Pre-Child and Post Child.

When I found out I was going to be a dad, which feels like eons ago. You go into the situation thinking how you're going to be a cool dad and be all laid back no matter what their mom says. Then reality sinks in, these "children" are insane.

For awhile while the twins were learning to walk, their heads seemed to have a magnetic attraction to any thing that could hurt them. Then you realize a child swearing like a sailor isn't as... entertaining in public as you might originally think it is. Then you become the average parent, through moments of soul killing embarrassment and child accidents.

I have more locks in my house now than I ever thought I could imagine or need. Still that doesn't stop the destructive twosome from trying to force open the random drawer or shelf. Do you know what I'm protecting them from. Small easily losable items and movies. God forbid if I leave the PG-13 and up shelf open. God forbid.

Still even with all this safety and sanity changes I like to think my girls are ahead of the pack from their PC classmates in preschool.

Still though, I like to know they can't find my hammer anymore...

Monday, March 11, 2013


Ashley has this weird obsession with patching things up with me and some of my siblings. Which is even weirder cause the women in my family are not her... biggest fans.

After a car accident my brother was in I flew out to Minneapolis to be well... a brother. I left and brought back the entire flock minus the baby. Things are on the mend and well I just don't know what to do. I've never gotten along with my older siblings.

I'm at a loss.

Friday, December 28, 2012

End of Year Update.

I have been fairly MIA the past month or so, though you may notice that I've been stalking you all from time to time, dependent on what I'm doing.  So here are some updates on the family and the old homestead.

- Unlike the past two years I wasn't an idiot and plan my end of the year work stuff in Japan for a day before Christmas.
- I finished the home theater in the giant ass space in the basement. 10 incredibly plush seats with cup holders and a giant screen for the HD projector. We inaugurated this momentous accomplishment by showing the twins Princess Bride for the first time. They've been quoting the movie non-stop for 3 weeks. We are very pleased.
- Unlike the last few years, we were a convoy of two instead of three this year. Ashley's BFF went to England to visit her husband's family. We were nearly alone in making the long trek to the great North.
- For somebody who is incredibly polite to everyone, somehow my mom makes enough backhanded compliments to Ashley to drive her to the drink. Cause I just love carrying my drunk wife around.
- Sydney may just be a baby but she misses her best friend. My cat used to only like me, but she now loves Sydney for some reason. I always find the kitty snuggling with her, I think its cute, Ashley thinks the cat is still evil.
- We have finally set a date for our 3 week trip to Italy and Southern France next year. We'll be going from mid-June till July. So I'm really looking forward to that.

Not much else to say...

Monday, November 19, 2012


I have three little girls, they are smart, funny and a whole lot of fun to hang around with. They are also pure unadulterated evil. A trait that my wife seems to think is completely my fault, I contend it is equal parts my bad behavior/genes and the fact she made them look like innocent angels.

They aren't innocent... But they haven't fine tuned their skills yet.

Fortunately we've been able to curtail them from major damage, like their obsession with destroying my belongings... Ashley says they are trying to destroy things I like cause the want to spend more time with me and think these objects keep me away from them.


- I bought a very unimportant and common Roman bronze coin to share with the girls. Katie threw it into the garden. I then proceeded to calmly dive into the plants.
- They keep finding my tools, I don't know how, but they do. They'll just suddenly appear with a small hammer or something.

My mother-in-law claims all her children had this kind of phase, including Ashley, but around age 6 they calm down and act like non-psychotic human beings.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I Win.

Ashley is from Wisconsin, I'm from Minnesota. We also enjoy sports to almost an unhealthy degree, not to the fantasy football level, but just below that. Now we Minnesotan's are pretty laid back when it comes to hating other sports teams. Not like that rhombus of hate that Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio and Chicago/Illinois make up. We're like the fifth wheel of upper Midwest states.

Mainly cause we haven't had a good college team outside of hockey in decades. We're a professional sports state, mainly the Minnesota Twin and Minnesota Vikings. Now as a lifelong, die hard Vikings fan I've never had a real problem with the Bears or with the Lions, other than making fun of the Detroit Kittens. I've never had a real personal hate issue with any professional team, except for one.

The Green Bay Packers.

I was raised to hate that team and hate anyone involved with that team.

Then I had to get married to a girl who bleeds green and gold. Then we had to have children, girls who would no doubt follow their mom in loving the Packers. Cause who wants to cheer for the most cursed team in football, when they can cheer for the happy Packers and all their championships. Though, they can't resist the Minnesota Twins, their twins, it's impossible.

So now I must describe the usual Sunday set-up. Ashley and I do not watch football together, cause we both make snarky comments about eachother's teams. Now it used to be that the girls would just do whatever they wanted and didn't care about football, but now they've grown a bit and are getting interested.


Every Sunday game this year, they've watched the game with me and ignored mommy. Mommy is all by herself in her Rogers jersey.

Every now and then, she'll pop in on us and say,

"Don't you girls want to watch with mommy?"

Then she is coldly refused.

They may look like her and act like her, but their my little Vikings fans!

Which means at Christmas my father-in-law will spend every waking moment trying to turn them. I must be on my guard.